D.E.A.F. : with added Derek Bailey

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.194 - The Winds of Change

2006-03-17T22:17:00.000Z

World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural.I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.
(Louis MacNeice)

Fenollosa hated the notion of a sentence,
because nature has no full stops.
(Untwisting the Serpent - D.Albright)
.
The Winds of Change
...............................
(This personal reminiscence, as will become obvious,is purely factual,
although to protect the innocent,the names of the guilty remain
unchanged.)

One day many moons ago,on a day nearly lost in the mists of time,
I felt a light tap on the shoulder.It was Helen."I'm very disappointed in
you"said Helen. My heart sank.She continued,"On Friday the 10th of June
at 11.44 you made a mistake.Look,it's here on the computer printout.
That's two mistakes you've made this year! Naturally I was devastated.
Helen however was very kind.She let me sit in the rest room to recover,
after removing my shoe laces and any sharp pointy objects.
Nine years later,the winds of change were blowing .The library was a very
windy place. Helen had gone but Cath said "Maggie wants to see you in
her office ASAP."
I climbed up to the second floor,knocked on the door and went in. The
sun was shining through the window and the scent of nail varnish hung in
the air.I sat down.
"I've an important question to ask you" said Maggie, "the future of the
library may hang on your answer."
" Does it matter if we make mistakes??"

(To be continued)

History is a trick the living play on the dead.
(Voltaire)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.193 - Hilary makes me do it again!

2006-03-03T22:15:00.000Z

But to have done
instead of not doing
this is not vanity.
(Ezra Pound - Canto LXXX1)

Enlarge my life with multitude of days
In health,in sickness,thus the suppliant prays;
Hides from himself his state and shuns to know,
That life protracted is protracted woe.
(Samuel Johnson)

Having your cake and eating it
..........................................

D'Arcy - Happy unbirthday bruv.How old?

Arcy - Thanks.If you must know I'm 15 1/2.

D'Arcy - At your time of life it must be a struggle.
How are you coping?

Arcy - Bruv, the sap is rising,definitely rising.

D'Arcy - Cor! You must have seen a few things
in your time. Got any tips for a long and
fruitful life?

Arcy - Yes bruv. Don't go to Iraq.
And listen to lots of Derek Bailey.

D'Arcy - Get any good presents?

Arcy - Yeah,you bet! I got an I.O.U. from the missus
and a DVD of 1944. Magic! Anytime I want to
chill- out I can watch the Allies bomb the shit
out of the Germans.

D'Arcy - Wicked!

Arcy - Yeah,can't wait to be 15 3/4!

Makes you think
.......................
The five female victims of Jack the Ripper
all had their throats cut from left to right.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.192 - The Artful Bodger

2006-01-27T19:22:00.000Z

Bad art is worse than no art at all.
(Oscar Wilde)

Painting for Dummies
..............................
Distant people have no eyes
Distant trees have no branches
Distant mountains have no rocks
These are the secrets

In stones one sees three faces
In paths one sees two ends
In water one sees the wind's footprints
These are the methods
(Wang Wei (701-761) - Secrets of the study of Painting)

Making a visual display of myself
............................................
There have been many fine tributes to Derek Bailey,(slightly
strange considering the 'outsider' nature of his music),and
should you wish to see mine, click here:
http://deafprat.blogspot.com/2006/01/db-collages.html
(click on images to enlarge)
The gent in the top middle of the picture is Anton Webern,who
was a large influence on Bailey (and on all European avant-garde
composers of the 50's and 60's). Anton looks rather glum
due to the fact that he was accidentally shot in 1945 by an
American soldier. Min Tanaka is on the right (with Derek in the
background) strutting his stuff through a violent thunderstorm.
The cubist guitar at the centre is of course by Picasso. Although
this was made in 1912 it will undoubtedly still appear avant-garde
to many in 2006, which is a sad comment on the state of art
education.
This collage was originally done as a comment on Derek's tenacity
of purpose when he relearned the guitar following what he thought
was carpal tunnel syndrome.His death turns the piece into
something quite different.However I've decided to keep the same
title,which still seems strangely appropriate; " Take My Hand,I'm a
Stranger in Paradise"

The Little Flowers of St Derek
..........................................
A student asked Mr Bailey "What is improvisation?"
In reply Mr Bailey struck him on the head.However
the student struck back. Mr Bailey said "There is a
reason in your striking me,but there is no reason
in my striking you." The student was silent,where-
upon Mr Bailey struck him again and chased him
from the room.

Stairway to Heaven
............................
"I used to play to nobody at the Little Theatre Club.
Anyway,when you've carted an amplifier up four flights
of stairs you're not going to not play,right?"

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

db collages

2006-01-21T17:00:00.000Z

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.191 - Moonshine Sonatas

2006-01-13T17:29:00.000Z

Quit
now.

Cascade your promises
like unfulfilled
stars.

(from Flame Ode -Barry MacSweeny)

Dark Days
..............
"Eighty year-old John Catt served with the RAF in the Second World War.
Last September he was stopped by Brighton police for wearing an 'offensive'
T-shirt which suggested that Bush and Blair be tried for war-crimes.He was
arrested under the Terrorism Act and handcuffed. He is awaiting trial."
(John Pilger)

No Place Like Home
............................
"One summer ten years ago,when I taught at Princeton,a large spider
appeared in the urinal of the men's room near the Philosophy department.
It was trapped and spent much time trying to avoid the periodic flush.
Somehow it survived,presumably feeding on tiny insects and was still
there with the arrival of Winter.Feeling sorry for the creature one day,
I removed it to a safe spot. The next day I found it in the same place,
his legs shrivelled in that way characteristic of dead spiders.The corpse
stayed there for a week,until they finally swept the floor."
(The View From Nowhere - Thomas Nagel)

The Tell-Tale Heart
...........................

Unenlightened detective: "How did you know there was a woman in the room?"

Blind Zen Master: "Obvious! I heard your heart beating faster."
(Mr Monk vs.the Cobra - BBC 2)

Eroic Gestures
.....................

SILAS: "Ludwig, my name's Silas I.Podmeister, Chairman,Verging Records.
In case you're wondering, we've brought you back from the dead. Our recent
survey in California indicates that two out of every three citizens think
you are
the British PM. So we intend to raise your profile and make us ,I mean you,
lots
of money."

BEETHOVEN:" Pardon?"

SILAS: "Of course! You're deaf! Look,put this state of the art digital
hearing aid
into your ear."

BEETHOVEN:" Pardon?"

SILAS:"I'll do it....there!"

BEETHOVEN:" Pardon?"

SILAS: "Anyone know how to switch this frigging thing on? O.K. that's
better."

BEETHOVEN: " Bloody hell! I can hear,I can hear!"(jumps around singing 'Ode
to Joy'.)

SILAS:" O.K, O.K.!! That's enough. Time is money. I've been reading about
you.
Apparantly you used to bang your head on the keyboard in order to feel those
good vibrations. You're in luck.That's just the sound we're looking for. See
this
piano, just bash your head on it."

BEETHOVEN: (Uncomprehendingly obliges)

SILAS:" Thanks Ludwig and goodbye.Have a nice day.(Pulls the plug and
Beethoven
vanishes). O.K. guys, send this sound sample over to Emanem's people.Should
be
another chart topper!"

Bogey Boogie
...................
Mozart wrote a piano piece which required the use of the nose.

Derek Bailey Tribute
.............................
It's ironic that the man who once played a suite of guitar solos
entitled 'The only good jazz composer is a dead one' should be
the subject of an extended tribute on the BBC'S 'Jazz on 3'.
So if you haven't heard a serenade between guitar and leaking
roof,or a duet between guitar and amplified bricks or Derek's
take on drum'n'bass (at the age of 70!) what are you waiting for?
BBC Radio 3, Friday 20/1/06 23.30pm - 1.00am.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.190 - Going Ape

2006-01-06T17:31:00.000Z

Consciousness is an overrated concept.
(Marvin Minsky)

More Monkey Business
...............................
So we went to see K. Kong. The received wisdom was that the first hour was
slow
followed by 2 hours of earth-shattering,ground breaking, totally amazing
cinematic-
history -in-the-making. Actually the first hour wasn't uninteresting
although I suppose
that if your definition of a great movie is one full of exploding
buildings/cars/bodies
then it was slow. And the rest? What is the point of spending billions of $
to
make computer phantasms look real when they are then used in such grossly
unrealistic ways. When Wile E.Coyote gets flattened,chopped into
small pieces,burnt to a cinder and nevertheless survives,it's funny
because,after all,
that's what cartoons do. The dinosaur stampede in Kong had less to do with
good
cinema than showing off 'computer state of the art.' The reality it was
trying to
project should have decimated the entire cast!
However,the 'attack of the insects' was well paced and therefore effectively
realistic,
and for my money was easily the film's best moment.
What can I say about the ending? We all know what's going to happen,don't
we?
So that's pretty boring, isn't it? And the infamous closing line by Jack
Black is spoken
with all the panache of a dead haddock.

Derek Lives
.................

Interviewer: Are you surprised by the reactions of the audience?
Derek: I am surprised that they are there!

Interviewer: What happens to time awareness during improvisation?
Derek: The ticks turn into tocks and the tocks turn into ticks.

Derek: I've always liked the effect of having someone in the group
who hadn't the faintest idea what was going on.

Derek: I mean,this is a high risk business!

Byteing the Dust
.....................
The life of a CD is approximately 100 years.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.189 - Derek Bailey

2006-01-01T21:41:00.000Z

Sadly I've just heard that derek died of motor- neuron complications
on Christmas Day.

Derek Said
...............
Don't talk about me when I'm gone.

Some of us will. Rest in peace.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.188 - Ends and Odds

2006-01-01T17:32:00.000Z

Stormy Weather
........................
A storm is blowing from Paradise; the storm irresistably propels him into
the future
to which his back is turned, while the pile of debris before him grows
skyward.
This storm is what we call Progress.
(Walter Benjamin)

Boxing Clever
...................
The practical man, having received many presents and wanting to protect them
from thieves,will put them into a box which he is then careful to secure
with a lock.
However when the thief comes in the night and puts the box onto his back to
carry away,he also prays that the lock will hold.
(slightly adapted from Chuang Tzu)

Goodbye to all that
...........................
It was New Years Eve. Arcy was slumped in front of Natasha Koplinsky.The
tree
in the corner was looking rather tired,having toppled over several times and
the
cards, which had previously been positioned so precisely,were in a state of
disarray.
On the floor by his feet was Harold Pinter's Nobel acceptance speech which
he had
been trying to read for several days. With only a little difficulty he fell
into a troubled
sleep. He dreamed he was in a winter wonderland,which strangely reminded him
of the Library. A wardrobe appeared and out stepped the Ice Queen who gave a
Queen's Speech about more sensible financial restrictions and the judicious
use
of paperclips for the coming year.Suddenly Arcy was whisked away to the
Turner
Prize which he had won with a bent paperclip expressing the symbiosis
between Man and paper. A loud bang woke him up. The fridge door had fallen
off.
Happy New Year!

You Ask the One-Handed Gardener
.................................................

Dear Sir,this Christmas I received the present of a garden. Measuring 2 X 3
inches
it is a minature zen garden with white sand and three black stones,which can
be
endlessly rearranged.Unfortunately no matter how hard I try,I cannot reach
enlightenment and only get sand all over the carpet.What should I do?

Answer: Seagulls in the East and the wind cries Mary.

Derek Says
................
Darn it! Unanswered questions AND flying dragons.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.187 - Yule be Sorry

2005-12-22T17:37:00.000Z

Dust to dust
..................
A man throws himself into a dustcart,shouting "I'm rubbish."
They pull him out and he throws himself in again, shouting
"I'm rubbish." He had lost the use of metaphor.
(Jean Baudrillard - Fragments)

Going Public
.................
If David Cameron is destined to be our next leader
we had better learn his public school lingo.
Abroad : sick
Chinner : a wide grin
On & Off : lemonade
Charlies : thick gloves made of twine
Wet Bob : a rower
Varmint : good
Coxy : stuck up
Muzz : to read

Cloak and Stagger
........................
Alec Guinness handed in his coat at a hotel cloakroom.
He offered to give his name, but was rather pleased to
be told that it wasn't necessary. The coat was later
handed back with the ticket still attached,carrying the
inscription"bald with glasses."

Starry- eyed
..................
As we have all been knee deep in commercial hype
for several weeks let's hope that there's enough
twinkle left in the star to illuminate at least one special
moment on the 25th. Good luck!

Derek Says
...............
Cheers,notable barbarians.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.186 - Santastic

2005-12-15T18:01:00.000Z

Jingle Bells
...............
Red sky at night,
the reactors alight;
Red sky at morn,
nuclear dawn.

Derek Says
................
Darkness before dawn! Lithium!!

Not a soft touch
........................
Far more commonly the soft,vulnerable charm of male genitals
is evoked as hard,tough and dangerous. It is not flowers that
most commonly symbolise male genitals but swords,knives,fists,guns.
(R.Dyer - Male Sexuality in the Media)

Cribtic
.........
Being that time of year,the tree and crib have again been brought
down from the attic.
The second shepherd is still missing,although he has been seen
recently in Barcelona,at a Derek Bailey gig. Now, however,the first
shepherd is also missing, having accepted the position of line manager
to David Cameron. The baby Jesus,still in pink,is playing 'Blood of the
Damned' on his X-Box whilst Mary is reading her expose in the Sun entitled
"Queen of Heaven slams Maggie and Da Vinci caper".
Also missing this year is the Angel, believed to be negotiating a fee with
Brighton and Hove Albion for performing a miracle enabling them to stay
in the Championship.
The Three Kings are in attendance under the managership of Simon Cowell.
This year they will not be patronising the baby Jesus with gifts,instead
they
have formed a boy-band,the King Singers - could be trouble ahead!
And Joseph? He's hoping for a white Christmas and is looking forward to a
short engagement on Coronation Street in 2006.

More top-tips for your yuletide meal
..................................................
Cut the hassle,use these brands of instant mash.

Powder Potty (USA)
Pol Pot-8-Eau (Kampuchea)
Pomme-POM! (France)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.185 - Bleak Nous

2005-12-09T18:03:00.000Z

first snow-
the spider is evicted
from my boot
(S.Forrester)

A few words of seasonal comfort
..............................................
I'm just not prepared to be agonised by all the suffering
in the world.There's no point in the world if we've all got to
suffer with the suffering,because the whole point is that,
whilst some suffer,others don't.
(Auberon Waugh)

Bleak Outlook
...................
What a bad day! First,a row with my wife over the previous nights
episode of Bleak House. According to her,Tulkinghorn got what was
coming to him but frankly I see him as a Simon Cowell figure,never
patronising,straight talking and truly professional in his dedication to his
clients best interests( the Conway Sisters would understand).And do we
really want an American inheriting all that money?
Later I walked into Richer Soundz and rather shockingly went straight to
the counter,no queue,no thirty minute wait. Presumably this means they
are going bust.Where will we get affordable hifi now??

Having been totally soaked by the downpour of rain I decided to go home
and watch a DVD on Jacques Derrida. What a disappointment. I understood
a couple of sentences! Surely if this guy is all he's cracked up to be I
shouldn't
understand anything! (nice soundtrack by Ryuichi Sakamoto though).
So after such a dreadful day what better than a good snooze in front of
Harry
Potter and the Chamber of Secrets,but no joy there either! Apart from the
fact
that the film was merely a marketing device for hundreds of loud xmas
adverts,
how can you relax with giant snakes and spiders leaping across the screen?
Then I remembered that 'Get me out of here,I'm a celebrity' was on later.
With a good chance that someone was going to get seriously hurt, at least
the day would end well!

Derek Says
................
Howdy Yankees!

Top Tips from Gertrude for your Christmas meal
..................................................................
1) Roast beef : The sooner there is jerking,the sooner freshness is
tender...
2) Mutton : Mud and water were not present..
3) Cranberries : Count the chain,cut the grass,silence the noon and murder
flies.
4) There is no use at all in smell,in taste,in teeth,in toast,in anything...
(Tender Buttons - Food : Gertrude Stein)

Thanks Doc!
.................
No man but a blockhead ever wrote,except for money.
(Dr.Samuel Johnson)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.184 - Digital Madness

2005-12-02T18:04:00.000Z

a box of nails
on the shelf of the shed
the cold!
(J.Wills)

Freud was convinced that the 'progress' of civilisation would bring with
it an ever deepening neurosis.
(T.Roszale - The voice of the earth)

How to satify a woman
.................................
Adore,appreciate,beguile,captivate,caress,charm,cherish,coax,commit to,
compliment,console,delight,embrace,empathize,enchant,
enthral,hug,humour,idolise,indulge,massage,nuzzle,palpitate,pamper,phone,
placate,promise,relish,respect,sacrifice
for,savour,serenade,spoil,stroke,treasure
understand,venerate,worship.

Fingering Derek
.......................
As usual at this time of the year Dr Scrotum is engaged in producing a
seasonal pastime. This year it is to be 'Silent Night Derek Bailey Charity
Crackers'.
Sold in boxes of 10,each cracker contains semtex,a photo of Derek
and a 3" CD of his solos from the famous 'More Nipples' session.
It is hoped that ,when pulled, the resultant explosion will blow off
a large number of fingers,which can then be donated to replace
Derek's ailing digits.
Please support this worthy venture and donate as many fingers as you
can afford. Ladies, Derek is really looking forward to adding the feminine
touch to his solo recitals.
(Silent Night Crackers are a registered charity.)

How to satisfy a man
..............................
Show up naked.

Derek Says
................
Without warning, Epiphany!

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities@hotmail.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.183 - Blowin' in the wind

2005-11-25T18:05:00.000Z

Winter wind-
bit by bit the swallow's nest
crumbles in the barn
(R.Spiess)

Medium Messages
........................
If it works, it's obselete.

I am resolutely opposed to all innovation,all change,
but I am determined to understand what's happening.
Because I don't choose just to sit and let the juggernaut
roll over me.
(Marshall McLuhan)

Derek Says
................
A thousand begettings of the broken bold!

Famous Blow Jobs
..........................
Hitler and the philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein went to
the same school at the same time.But what do Hitler,
Wittgenstein and composer Gustav Mahler have in
common? They could all put their lips together and blow
a fine tune. Hitler was able to entertain the troops
in the trenchs with an excellent rendition of the full score
of Lehare's Merry Widow, whilst Wittgenstein whistled entire
Beethoven symphonies. Mahler always went home for lunch
and announced himself, with great power, by whistling
Beethoven's 9th as he approached. Cook was thus able to
have his meal ready and waiting when he arrived.

More Top Tips - How to succeed at Veteran Table-Tennis
.................................................................................
When arriving at the venue it is always a good idea to find
out who has died since the last tournament. If it is someone
that you normally lose to, your confidence will receive a much
needed boost.

Never ever enter the changing room.Changing rooms always
contain large mirrors and seeing yourself, especially early in the
morning, can severly undermine your confidence.

Avoid warming-up exercises as you may need an excuse for
your poor performance later in the day.

Ensure that you wear as much elasticated bandage as possible.
Ideally you should look like a Mummy. This will lull your opponents
into a false sense of security.

When inspecting your opponents racket always wear your glasses,
otherwise you will be unable to tell his short pimples from his long
pimples.

Men, when playing mixed doubles, it may be necessary, from time to
time, to energise your partner with a slap on the bottom. It is well
known that, as well as poor spacial awareness, the fair sex have poor
powers of concentration and need your help. It is good manners after
the match to inform her that she really doesn't look 60.

If you should manage to win a match, immediately lie down in a
darkened room for at least 30 minutes as,at your age, adrenaline
is a dangerous thing.

Lastly, try to avoid eating marmalade sandwiches before playing.
Remember; sticky fingers mean lost points.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.182 - Canvasing Favour

2005-11-18T18:06:00.000Z

In the vicinity of the art work,we are suddenly
somewhere else than we usually tend to be.
(Martin Heidegger)

How to paint : Top tips from Arty D'Arcy
........................................................
First, get an idea for a painting. If this is not possible
use someone else's idea. This is called 'being postmodern'
and is perfectly acceptable. Next decide how big you want
the painting. This should take several weeks. Consider closely
whether you are prepared to removed the doors or windows
when going to your first exhibition. Also if you are on a budget,
remember that small paintings use less paint.
Next pop into your local Pound Shop and purchase a set of 12
professional brushes. Why pay more? While there also purchase
several tins of paint. The so-called real stuff only comes in itsy-bitsy
tubes and is a rip-off.
By this time your original idea may have gone cold. Agonise for
several weeks more, making sure that you watch large amounts
of East Enders, as exposing yourself to the grim realities of life
will add real depth to your imagination.
Always paint late at night as tiredness will prevent you from
noticing imperfections such as splatters,dribbles and smudges.
Never view your paintings in the morning, in the cold light of day,
as you may be disappointed.
If critics complain about the splatters,dribbles or smudges, simply
shout "Pollock and Schwitters" and move on to your next masterpiece.
(We have taken this advise to heart and our new masterpiece will be
unveiled soon.)

Place and Quips
......................
All that is is place.
(Lucretius)

All there is is place
(Richard Sorabji)

In modern space every place is equal to every other place
(Heidegger)

Space is the place
(Sun Ra)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.181 - Taxing Times

2005-11-11T18:07:00.000Z

It is our fate to be opposite and nothing else.
(Rainer Maria Rilke )

But what remains after we have been saved
from salvation, redeemed from redemption?
(Simon Critchley)

Taxing Times
...................
Wing: I hear that New Labour are going to tax the view
out of your window in the next council tax review.
Ding: Yeah and I hear that they will calculate the volume
of each house and charge for the air inside!
Wing: And having a well kept garden will not only cost you
but also your neighbours if they can see it!
Ding: And constantly playing Charlotte Church and Robbie
Williams will incur a large surcharge for urban pollution.
Wing: Apparantly the only rebate available will be for those
people living within 1/2 mile of a Derek Bailey enthusiast.
Ding: So they won't be giving much away then!

Derek Says
................
You go to my head!

Book of the month
...........................
A theory of genericization on brand name change
by Shawn M Clankie

Pointless
............
The point is the space that does not take up space,
the place that does not take place; it suppresses and
replaces the space,it takes the place of the space that
it negates and conserves. It spatially negates space.
(Jacques Derrida)

Don't ask Charles
........................
"You know,it's nice to listen to philosophy.Even if it's not
your training,it's nice to have someone sit down and say,
'Hey, what does love mean?'
(from review of 'Derrida - the movie' in Radical Philosophy.)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.180 - Blood Simple

2005-10-28T18:08:00.000+01:00

With curious art the brain,too finely wrought,
Preys on itself,and is destroyed by thought.
(Charles Churchill)

Blood Simple - The Opera
....................................
We are indeed humbled by our good fortune in acquiring
another early unperformed opera by Benjamin Britten.
There are plans to put it on at the Gardner Arts Centre
with Dan Hedaya playing the lead.

*****************************
A chamber opera in one movement
Setting : an NHS hospital
Cast: Fifi the Phlebotomist
Haem A. Globin the patient
*****************************
(Curtain)

Fifi : Why are you back so soon
So soon,so soon?
Haem : I can explain! I can explain!
Fifi : Proceed at once!
Haem : My life is sad,so sad
Only one glass of wine
May pass my lips each day
But.....
Fifi : But? But? What is this but?
Haem : I swear I didn't mean
To overstep the mark.
I know the rules,the rules.
Fifi : But? But?
Haem : The Boys were back! The Boys were back!
Fifi : What boys are these?
Do tell.Do tell.
Haem : Grant and Phil
The Boys are back!
The Vic, the Vic
The stress, the stress
More wine I took
To ease the night!
Fifi : (grips his arm tightly and plunges the needle in.)
Resist the East forever more
Or your red blood will fail to score,
Will fail to score!
Haem : (Swoons in agony)

(Drumroll: Boff Boff Boff)

Curtain

Derek Says
................
Appointment:don't even think about it.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-10-21T18:09:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.179 - All Tricks,No Treats
...............................................................

English Weather
.......................
In September things start dying
Then comes cold October mist
November we make plans to spend
The best part of December pissed
(Wendy Cope)

Rhythm Methods
........................
Rhythm is life:
the space of time danced thru
(Cecil Taylor)

One must have chaos in one,
to give birth to a dancing star.
(Nietzsche)

All Tricks,No Treats
...........................
As part of the forthcoming Halloween season, Arcy Carpathian D'Arcy
has been given the task of organising the library celebrations. On the
31st, all assistants will become witches and devils and the music of Black
Sabbath will ring out around the library. Each assistant on Lending Services
will be equipped with a baseball bat and should a borrower omit to present
his/her books correctly, their fingers will be firmly beaten,which should
supply enough blood for the date-stamps. If more blood is required please
approach the duty librarian. Staff at the enquiries counter are to be
equipped with chain saws and any student enquirer will forfeit a limb
for each question.We are sure that they will enter into the spirit of the
occasion. (Will staff remember to complete the stat sheet and inform the
Disability Awareness Officer.)
The exit porters will also be able to join in the fun. In the event of
suspected
book theft or barrier jumping, they will be able to remove the suspects head
for use as a Halloween lantern.By closing time the display at the entrance
should be truly entrancing.

The Devil's Music
........................
..to my indescribable astonishment and horror,the devilish metal funnel spat
out its mixture of bronchial slime and chewed rubber;that noise that
possessors
of gramophones and radios are prevailed upon to call music.
(Hermann Hesse - Der Steffenwolf 1927)

Derek Says
................
In the dead of night...found bits!

Got that Mojo working?
................................
The Mojo Fins have opened negotiations
with Steve Hillier, nightclub owner,DJ ,promoter,writer
of film music and creator of the successful group Dubstar.
Apparantly his initial enquiries have uncovered some extra
enthusiasm for the Mojos in Germany. So don't mention
the War,guys. (www.stevehillier.net/biog2.html)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-09-30T18:09:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.178 - In Front of a Dozen Dead Oceans
..................................................................................

Barking
..........
Last night an ash tree
was about to tell
me something - and didn't
(Octavio Paz - Distant Neighbour)

Insanely Sane
...................
On the face of it,there is something rather strange about
human psychology.Human beings live in a state of mind called
'sanity' on a small planet in space.They are not quite sure whether
the space around them is infinite or not.If they think about time,
they find it is inconceivable that it did not have a beginning.
Thoughts of this kind are not disturbing to 'sanity',which is obviously
a remarkable phenomenon and deserves more recognition.
(Celia Green - The Human Evasion)

A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall
....................................
We were watching Scorsese's 'No Direction Home' in the comfort
of our lounge. The time was nearly 9.30 and the street lamp
opposite was the usual beacon of light in the darkness. Suddenly
there was a squealing of brakes,flashing headlights and raised voices.
A large police car had stopped a red Saab directly under the lamp
and two large policemen, both holding black sub-machine guns,were
standing facing the driver,who had exited the car and was laughing
nervously.
One of the policeman released the grip on his gun and produced a
torch and proceeded to walk round the car,examining it closely.The
other policeman still kept both hands on his gun and remained silent
and menacing.
At this point I found myself wondering what would happen if bullets
started ricocheting around the area. Should we crouch on the floor?
The driver meanwhile went back into the car and produced some
papers. There was more discussion,which we couldn't quite hear,
more nervous laughter and then everyone returned to their cars
and quickly drove off into the night.
We returned to the couch and on the television Dylan was still
croaking away gloriously.
" I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin'
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleeding
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall."

Derek Says
................
Ovation.The big gundown!

No Losers
..............
We fight wars which we lose,then we make films showing how
we won them and the films make more money than the wars lost.
(Gore Vidal)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-09-23T18:10:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.177 - All the Magic,None of the Thrills
................................................................................

Don't be afraid of talking nonsense!
But you must pay attention to your nonsense.
(Wittgenstein)

GOOD VIBRATIONS
............................

"I tell old school stories with a bebop tongue to the hip hop future.
I see new rainbows in their eyes as we stand in the puddles of
melted chains." (Watts Prophet,Kamau Daaood,an originator of rap)

The spaceship Voyager took music with it on it's journey to the stars.
Included with Chuck Berry & Beethoven was Blind Willie Johnson's
version of 'Dark was the night'. Johnson was the world's greatest slide
guitarist,only needing his pocket knife.

"The vibrator was invented in the 19th centuary so that doctors could
bring women to orgasm as part of a treatment for hysteria. Tenor saxist
Peter Brotzmann may have been invented to bring us closer to both."
(from a review of Brotzmann's quartet,Die like a dog.

All the Magic
...................
The atmosphere was electric. The ground floor of the library was
packed with an expectant audience. When everyone had stopped
singing Cum-bye-Yar,all eyes turned to the Librarian,who stood in the
centre, holding aloft a small glass tube. The tube contained the Sacred
Toenail of St.Peasgood,a former Librarian. Each year,on this day,the
holy object miracuously liquified.Last year,for the first time,the miracle
had declined to happen.True believers saw a connection between this
and the financial cutbacks which followed.
A hush fell over the gathering and all eyes were on the relic.The
unimaginable happened or rather it didn't! Once again there was no
miracle.
A low sigh ran through the assembly and several participants started
to sob. Obviously,a propitiatory sacrifice was needed. Who was to
be sacrificed?
All eyes turned and stared in the same direction....

(The 19th of September is the date when the Dried Blood of
St.Januarius mysteriously and publicly liquifies in Napoli Cathedral.
When it last failed to liquify in 1980,an earthquake killed 3000
Neopolitans.)
***********

Derek Says
................
Unanswered question.Meanwhile,back in Sheffield.

D.I.Y.
........
Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I have ever had.

Boris: Well,I practise alot when I'm on my own.

(Love & Death - Woody Allen)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-09-16T18:11:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.176 - Ashes To Ashes
..........................................................

Nothing happens until something moves
(Albert Einstein )

I am a poet
I am very fond of bananas
I am bananas
I am very fond of a poet
I am a poet of bananas
I am very fond.....
(Wendy Cope)

Ashes to Ashes
......................
It was 'The Library vs. The Rest' cricket match. The hotly contested prize
was ,as usual, 'the Lashes', a small jar containing the incinerated false
eyelashes of Maggie Housefield.
The Rest had been bowled out for 99 runs and the Library was batting.
The score reached 90 for 7 wickets, Jammy Huxtable having just puffed
his way to the crease.After choosing middle and leg and then bowling a
maiden over, his bails were removed and he was sent back to the pavilion
for a duck.
The eighth batsman in was Backstop Baker who quickly scored 3 runs but
after being bowled over by a left-handed chinaman had a fit of the giggles
and accidentally swallowed the ball. After the third umpire was consulted
she was given 6 and out.
Next in was Arcy D'Arcy but very soon he heard Umpire McDermott shout
LBW (Laid Back W*nker) and he was on his way back to the pavilion.
Would the last bat save the day for the library? Despite a severe case
of nappy rash, Billy Botham Teague smashed his first ball to the boundary
and it was champagne all the way to Trafalgar Square.

Overheard at the crease
..................................
During a test between Australia and Zimbabwe, Brandes played and missed
at a McGrath delivery.The Aussie bowler enquired "Oi Brandes,why are you
so fat?" He replied " Cos every time I screw your wife she gives me a
biscuit!"

Derek Says
................
Mirakle Performance

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-09-09T18:12:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.175 - After all, tomorrow is another day
...................................................................................

Going Bananas
....................

A little frog
Riding on a banana leaf
Trembling
(Kikaku)

Stick to the facts,Sir!
.............................
(Dickens - Hard Times)

Factotum's Fancy or Tom's Tonic
..............................................
Dr.Scrotum was burning the midnight oil,totally absorbed in his
new invention, the X-Factor-Fact-Finding-Facilitator, the only
device capable of selecting the very best factual knowledge,
and which would be marketed as the XF4 in time for Christmas.
Small enough to fit into the ear, it was activated by shouting
"Just the facts Ma'am", enabling the listener to wallow in deluxe
facts and escape from those half-truths,hypotheses,inuendos
and gossip which only serve to make our lives unnecessarily
complicated and stressful.
Currently 'the 'voice' was that nice lady from the M&S foood
ad. but eventually Barbara Windsor,Graham Norton and Marilyn
Monroe would be made available.
Scrotum tried out his exciting gadget.
"Albert Einstein was only able to publish his famous theories
due to the help he received from his then wife,who was
better at maths. When divorcing her he threatened to cut
her off financially if she ever made this known." Quite interesting,
thought the Doctor,but what's a man to do? You're crap at maths
but you've got a super theory and you've got to hold up your head
down the pub.
"The DNA of primates differs from humans by only 1%." A bit over-
played thought Scrotum. Still, he had recently sat only inches away
from a bull gorilla which had out- eyeballed him with contemptuous
ease and had then rubbed the salt in by breaking a feeding twig to
exactly the right length,something Scrotum knew he would never
master.
"A ton of garden soil contains about 10,000 trillion single cell organ-
isms. Our galaxy,the Milky Way, only contains 100 billion stars."
Scrotum looked out at the star filled sky. This was a fact to keep
you warm on cold nights. For thousands of years Man had looked to
the stars for an idea of infinity.Now,he only needed to look down at
the brown,brown earth of home.

Fact or Fiction?
....................
Women are obsessed with process, men are obsessed with outcome.
(Paul W.Smith)

Derek probably didn't say
...................................
Frankly my dear,I don't give a damn.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-09-02T18:12:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.174 - Canterbury Tales
............................................................

I have been more a battlefield than a human being.
(Nietzsche)

Canterbury Tales
........................
While I was admiring the spot where Thomas Becket was
murdered I heard the clink of shrapnel. Looking behind me,
I discovered John Simpson,the famous BBC war correspondent.
He told me that his son lived in Canterbury and that he visited
the cathedral frequently and was always amazed that it had
survived intact for so long.

We moved on to the tomb of the Black Prince and his wife
Joan of Kent,both looking prayerfully serene.Edward (1330-1376),
the son of Edward 111,who at 16 and reputedly dressed in black
armour, thrashed 24,000 Frenchmen with only 10,000 men to
retain the Ashes at Cressy.They appear to be the Posh and Becks
of their day,the general population not objecting to the taxes
levied to support the army.No doubt these days Max Clifford
would market Edward as the Teflon Terror,with an appearance
on 'I'm a celebrity,get me out of here - or else'.

Derek Says
................
My buddy, a wanderer from the British world of fashion - black
but only round the edges.

Canterbury Wails
......................
Canterbury has ,of course,a Pound Shop. But when you venture
inside you discover many items at £2 and £4!! Could this be the
reason why it's closing down?

Obviously children in these parts receive a thorough grounding
in philosophy. Overheard : Mother to young child;
"David,I've told you a million times,today is today and tomorrow is
tomorrow."

The Mojo Fins - From The Eighth Floor (6 track CD)
.....................................................
"The Mojo Fins ooze epic melancholy without getting loud...
and they know how to write a chorus."
(The Source )
(sold out at Virgin!!)

Not the Hundred Years War
.......................................
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and Great Britain
in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after thirty eight minutes.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-08-18T18:12:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.173 - The D'Arcy Code
............................................................

I knew no good would come of poetry
(Sir Walter Raleigh)

Ding Dong!
................
On the temple bell
Perching,sleeps
The butterfly,oh!
(Buson)

The D'Arcy Code
........................

5am at Zalmer library. John the cleaner trudged up
the stairs to the first floor. At the top he turned
right and blinked into the hazy early morning light.
He walked towards the document collection and
then stopped, unable to believe his eyes.
There on the floor, opposite the service hatch,lay
a body, a naked body. John gasped with recognition.
It was Arcy D'Arcy. Blood was still oozing from a single
bullet wound to the stomach. And that was not all.
Before expiring, D'Arcy had spent his last moments
arranging his body into a precise pose.
On his back, legs tightly together(inhibited even in
death), arms raised at 60 degrees, the left hand
performing a perfect V-sign and the right giving a
perfect finger.
What did it mean? John's head was spinning, but
there was more. Next to the neatly folded clothes
was a message,written in blood on the grey carpet,
written by D'Arcy before death overtook him, possibly
revealing the murderer???

TIPSMFZ
TIF
EVO
JU

(Apologies to Dan Brown)

The Truth Is Out There - Somewhere!
......................................................
There is no hard evidence that Leonardo was gay.
"Flamboyant homosexual" - rubbish! In the context
of the book it is surprising to learn that Leonardo
actually did exist!
Leonardo was a vegetarian out of respect for all life.
He also invented war machines in order to kill lots
of people.
The glass pyramid outside the Louvre does not have
666 panes of glass.And it's bloody stupid!

Derek Says
...............
Thou shalt not bear false witness

It's Life & Death
.......................
The past is not dead.It isn't even past.
(William Faulkner)

I'm alive & you are dead.
(Philip K.Dick - er..we've got news for you,Phil)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-08-12T18:13:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.172 - The Left Review
...........................................................

To be human means to feel inferior
(Alfred Adler)

Unsteady State Theory
................................
..It seems as though
To explain the shape of the world
We must fall apart,
Throw ourselves upon the world,
Slip away from ourselves
Through the world's inner road,
Whose atoms make us weary..
(Medbh McGuckian - Marconi's Cottage)

Sinister Visions
.....................
Arcy D'Arcy pushed his way through the crowd, past the
pink miniskirts and hairy legs,past the bearded ballet dancers
and the moustachioed school girls.Of course,it was the Lefty
Pride carnival in Brighton's Preston Park,the UK's premier
celebration of Left- Handedness.
Transexuals are predominantly left-handed and this was their
day. Also in the crowd were numerous plastercasted arms &
legs,giving proof to the fact that left-handers live continuously
on the edge of danger.A further example of their daily terror
was the number of missing limbs, as the left-handed chain-saw
has yet to be invented.
Everywhere dancers were tripping over their shoelaces and it
was being reported that the Devil had been seen peering over
revellers left shoulders.Predictably a stall was doing a brisk and
lucrative trade in salt.
On his way home Arcy pondered the fact that Reagon,Clinton
and Bush were all left-handed; clearly the connection with the
Devil was far more than superstition and he was glad of the
protection from evil spirits that the ring on his left hand gave him.

Advertisement
.....................
Left-handed and want to exert your full potential at the piano?
Call www.lefthandedpiano.co.uk and see what we can do for you.

Notable Lefties
......................

Bart Simpson - Billy the Kid - Queen Elizabeth II
Matt Groening - Ramses II - The Queen Mother
Jack the Ripper - Albert Einstein - Queen Victoria
The Boston Strangler - Tiny Tim - Big Bird
Kermit the Frog - Alexander the Great - Picasso

Trivia
........
The majority of parrots are left footed.

Left-handers not only reach puberty later
but they may have a shorter life span.

Lefties make excellent braille readers.

Sinister is Latin for left-handed.

Derek Says
................
I'm not, unfortunately.

Giving Credit
..................
A man discovered that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-08-05T18:14:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.171 - Slightly Saxy
.....................................................

The sound we hear is yours,Adolphe,
Posterity,its howling wolf,
Time salivating on a reed
And fingering at breakneck speed.
(Douglas Dunn - An address to Adolphe
Sax in heaven)

After her success on Big Brother, Kinga had joined the library.
During her training it was explained that making the borrowers
happy was a prime objective. Later that day,when all the bottles
had been hidden,she was placed on the Reader Services counter.
Ever mindful of her training,when Prof Stoneyface approached
the counter,she enquired if he would care to bury his head in
her ample bosom. Fortunately the ambulance arrived with minimum
delay.
Later,noting that the library was rather quiet,Kinga put her
knickers on her head and led borrowers in a rousing rendition
of 'The Way We Were.'
The gossip from the second floor is that,with her winning ways,
Kinga will shortly be appointed as the first Library Entertainment
Manager with a mission to seriously increase the library's chav appeal.
(Channel 4 tonight 9 & 10pm)

Derek Says
................
Please buy my new CD, 'Carpal Tunnel Syndrome' on Tzadik.

Plathonic
.............
If you dissect a bird
To diagram the tongue
You'll cut the chord
Articulating song.
(Sylvia Plath from Admonition)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

2005-07-29T18:14:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.170 - Nosing around the phallus
........................................................................

Size makes a difference,quantity changes everything.
(Barnett Newman about painting)

Once upon a time...
............................
Albert Einstein was asked by a mother how to raise her child
to become a successful scientist. What kind of books should
she read to her son.Without hesitation he replied"Fairy tales."

A fag and a natter
..........................

Slim: Watched a DVD last night,The Hours.

Slam: Any good bruv? Whats the plot?

Slim: Don't ask! And anyway I couldn't avoid staring at the false nose
they gave to Nicole Kidman who played Virginia Woolf. It seemed to
change shape and colour in each scene.

Slam: So a bit of a bummer bruv! I've been reading about this stone
phallus that they've found in Ulm,Germany. I quote, "Its life size
suggests it may well have been used as a sex aid by its ice-age makers."

Slim: How big is life size bruv?

Slam: Eight inches bruv.

Slim: Blimey...I mean, is that all.

Slam: And apparantly the other end was used for knapping flints.

Slim: So even 28,000 years ago the female of the species was capable
of multi-tasking!!

Slam: Seems so bruv. Staying on the same track,did you see that the
Chinese are sending pig sperm out into space?

Slim: Yes but I hope they know what they're doing.What if its found
by Aliens and they get the wrong idea about life on earth and they're
partial to crispy bacon?

Slam: Watch the skies bruv, watch the skies!

Derek Says
...............
Monsters of elegy!

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F Bulletin No.169 - bin this

2005-07-22T21:04:00.000+01:00

Although our information is false,we do not guarantee it.
(Erik Satie)

bin this
..........

Citizens Advice Bureau: Mr.......Laden, may I call you bin?
What can I do for you? Remember, our advice is entirely
non-judgemental.

bin: Nice of you to see me at short notice.I've got two
problems.

CAB: If you don't mind me mentioning it, you look very
stressed.Jolly bad luck with those unexploded bombs.
Have you considered a holiday?

bin: It's no fun disguised as a Big Issue saleman with
200 sticks of dynamite strapped around me.And then
there's all that boring admin needed to keep world terror
ticking over.And now that I've infiltrated Big Brother the
workload is getting intolerable.

CAB: Oh yes, you have my sympathy, all those e-mails!!

bin: The weight of the explosives I'm carrying is giving
my back a bit of jip. Do you have a list of al-Qaeda approved
chiropracters?

CAB: Funny you should ask that. We've just received a list
from MI5. Unfortunately, as it's marked 'Highly Confidential'
I can only let you look at it if you can produce a current
al-Qaeda membership card.

bin: I never leave home without it. Here it is.

CAB: I'll get you a photocopy. You said there were two things?

bin: Our agent Makosi is losing her grip.The aim of getting her
onto Big Brother was to soften the nations moral fibre. Frankly
after the knee trembler with Anthony the plot was succeeding
beyond our wildest dreams. But Kamal is starting to suspect
something. He's openly suggesting that she's a 'plant'. He needs
to be silenced,pronto. My plan is to black-out Big Brother and place
explosive devices into Kamal's stilettos. Do you have an approved
list of hit men suitable for this operation?

CAB: We do but they don't come cheap!

bin: Do you take al-Qaeda Express ?

CAB: That'll do nicely sir. Hold on while I make the call.

(Big Brother Channel 4 - 9pm & 10pm tonight)

Derek Says
................
The weaving and the crinkling and the vex!

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.168 - Monkeying Around With The Void

2005-07-15T19:39:00.000+01:00

Freedom is terror
(Jean-Paul Sartre)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

To be or not to be, Mr.Bush?
........................................

...this goodly frame, the earth,seems to me a sterile promontory;
this excellent canopy, the air, look you,this brave o'erhanging firmament,
this majestical roof fretted with golden fire,
why,it appears no other thing to me
than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors.
(Hamlet)

Monkey Business
........................
...it may seem remarkable that anything as complex as a text of
Hamlet exists. The observation that Hamlet was written by
Shakespeare and not some random agency only transferes the
problem. Shakespeare, like everything else in the world, must
have arisen from a homogeneous early universe.Any way you
look at it,Hamlet is a product of that primeval chaos.

If every particle in the universe were replaced with a monkey and
a typewriter and all the monkeys had been striking keys since the
big bang,the chance of producing Hamlet would still be negligable.
Yet Hamlet was produced from a series of physical processes that
were even more chaotic than monkeys banging on typewriters.
(W.Poundstone - The Recursive Universe)

strangerthanfiction
..........................
We energetically support the Arts but what to make of the above
new exhibition at the Brighton Museum & Art Gallery?? The blurb
says "Personal and invented narrative explored through photography.
Where truth is more curious than fiction etc." Frankly we failed to
engage with whatever great truth was being revealed. A video of
Tracey Emin recounted her early sex-life (very early!) and proved
that she can't dance and the central 'piece', a 20 minute large
screen video, gave me neck-ache and left me puzzled as to the
connection between two gay South American cowboys,a swimming
pool,a snake and a long dusty road.To my eternal shame I was so
bored that the old two-word joke about two gay cowboys became
fixed in my head!

Derek didn't say
......................
A tree is a tree - a rock is a rock
(Mae West did)

Strictly for the birds?
............................
The RSPB sell 'insect cake'. It carries a label which says
"Warning.This product contains nuts."

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.167 - Ball's Up

2005-07-01T19:38:00.000+01:00

Shelf Life
.............
an ancient trolley.
the shelver weeps:
the sound of falling tears.
(for Basho)

********************

Now we are past the longest day we can look forward
to the approach of Christmas. How better to celebrate
than with a part of Hugo Ball's Dada Bruitist Nativity Play
first performed at the Cabaret Voltaire in 1916.

A Bruitist Nativity Play : The Stable
................................................
Donkey : hee-haw hee-haw hee-haw,
Little Ox : moo,moo,moo,moo,moo,
Sheep : bah,bah,bah,bah,bah,bah,bah,
Joseph and Mary(praying) : ramba ramba
ramba ramba ramba - m-bara,m-bara,m-bara
rambabababab

The Library : A Bruitist Perspective
................................................

bosh - sshklick - thudd (another book gets issued)

glug glug glug haaaah glug glug glug (Manus empties water cooler)

dringgggggggggggg (2nd floor book- burning session triggers alarm)

brambrambram ahhhhhh brambrambram (Shaun beats head on rota)

huh? whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! (unexpected fines)

boomboff boomboff boomboff boomboff (Gary + I-Pod walks by)

uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh (what's going on in the North basement?)

blobalob blobalob blobalob blobalob (meet our systems people)

biff-slap biff-slap biff-slap biff-slap (Beryl collects outstanding coffee
money)

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (Grainne sympathises with blind
one-legged borrower whose house has just burnt down)

pantgruntpantgruntpantgruntpantgrunt (D.P. heads for the hills)

Derek Says
*********
Let the little sunbeam in

In the warm water round the Wise-man
********************************
A scholar : "I am completing my thesis on the history of Man.Have you any
suggestions?"
The Zen Librarian :" Yes, eat-breathe-shit-dance and never mind the rest."

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.166 - Bring Me Sunshine

2005-06-24T19:36:00.000+01:00

If I can think of it, it isn't what I want.
(Randall Jarrell)

Wisdom from the Zen Librarian
...........................................
A student came to the Zen Librarian and said
"I need to see an article in a journal that you
don't carry. Will you order it for me?"
The Zen Librarian said "You have not seen the article?"
"No" said the student.
"Then you don't need it" replied the Zen Librarian.

The library assistant approached the Zen Librarian with
a question. "I can't find 'Thinking Outside The Box'."
The Zen Librarian said "If you can't find the box, think
outside the chicken."
(G.S./James Quinn)

Ben Heads Out
.....................
Dr Scrotum opened the book at random and there
he was, one closed eye,one nose, just over half a head
and lots of veins etc hanging down like cooked spagetti
from the roughly cut neck. It wasn't often that Scrotum
investigated books on human physiology and this was the
reason why! However, the background music, a slow and
stately guitar piece by Benjamin Britten, managed to
transform the situation from horror show to something
far more poignant.
Obviously the donor hadn't been bothered about
what happened to his remains and presumably
was aware that he could end up as a book
illustration. But what about being serenaded
by Benjamin Britten? What if his last request was to
leave his body to medical science but DEFINITELY
NO BENJAMIN BRITTEN ?
Possibly, in a medical school, not too far away, a fresh-
faced student is making his first tentative explorations
into the remainder of this donors head. Let's hope he's
playing the right music on his walkman.

Derek Says
................
The bones of contention

Y Viva Espana
....................
We have received a catalogue of Andalusian audiovisual works.
May we bring to your attention 'Relojes de arena' (Hourglasses).
This is about a family in which the mouths of the grandmother
and mother are stitched up and their clothes are the wrong way
round .The little girl is normal. Grandmother and mother rock in
their chairs, watching the children play. The crucial moment
arrives for the girl. The process is observed by the weeping boy.
The girl now has her mouth stitched up and wears her clothes
the wrong way round. (Spanish/English : 4 minutes)

Not Stand-up Comedy
...............................
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall down
an open sewer and die.
(Mel Brooks)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.165 - Guys 'n' Dolls

2005-06-17T23:36:00.000+01:00

Roberto Says
...................
I hada the besta time ina da box.

How do I dump Lee?
.............................
How do I dump Lee. Let me count the ways.
I'll dump Lee with a gentleness that spites
the nose on my face.Or with lies so white
they speak of needing space,and mates.Or say
I'll dump Lee with an honesty display
so true.But 'I don't love you', just don't seem right.
I'll dump Lee, with a textie late tonight.
I'll dump Lee, with 'I think I might be gay' !
I'll dump Lee, with the need to love and lose,
leave out, he's so boring. Then pause for breath,
I'll dump Lee, with a really good excuse
such as, my death! I'll dump Lee is all that's left,
his spots, and his cute bott's not what I choose.
I shall dump Lee, instead of his mate Jeff.
(Sheenagh Collins - from Out of Order)

Guys 'n' Dolls
.................
This exhibition at Brighton Museum & Art Gallery is not
just dark in mood but leers at you from every semi-lit
corner. The Dolls are everything from Barbie Dolls,photographed
in dubious situations; life size anatomical wax models from
18th century Italy which make all the guts etc. seem still alive;
'life-like' sex dolls portrayed in casual liaison with their Guys,and
voodoo dolls still presumably transmitting their bad luck.
Oscar Kokoschka, the painter, had an affair with Alma Mahler in 1918
and was so broken hearted when it ended he had a lifesize replica
made of her. However he was unhappy with it and chopped its
head off during a party. A further replica is on view
and frankly it's not surprising he found it so repulsive.
Also on show is a pink doll tightly wrapped round with black cotton
and punctured all over with pins, found in a Paris fleamarket during
the 1980's.
The central exhibit is Paula Rego's triptych "The Pillowman",
recently shown at the Tate, which is creepily successful in creating a
modern-day child-assassin bogeyman.
But for me the most disturbing exhibit was the modern day medical
simulation figure (made in the UK) with the face, taken from a death mask,
of a young woman who drowned in the Seine in 1900.

(You may care to go to: www.londinium.com/pages/paula-rego.php
or www.careervoodoo.com )

Derek Says
................
When we're smiling!

Confucius Say
...................
Change is inevitable
except from honourable vending machine

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.164 - Anticipating Anticlimax?

2005-06-10T11:35:00.000+01:00

The real problem is not whether machines think
but whether we do.
(B.F.Skinner)

Gardener's World
........................

...everything crooked in my garden
everything sideways in the soul cut no branch

And rip no bud

today in this wind
taller than the eye can wish

let everything go wild today

(Christopher Kelen - Green Lizard Manifesto)

Naturally Lucky (Part 2)
................................
Dr.Scrotum noticed several black ants moving
around amongst the aphids and assumed they were eating them
but on closer inspection he saw they were stroking the aphids
and drinking the drops of 'honeydew' which were being produced.
Seeing this revived memories of ancient biology lessons from the
twilight years but this was the first time he had ever witnessed
this particular ritual of cooperation.Watching for what seemed ages,
eventually the World of Falling Ladders intruded and it was back to
work.
Later, some research revealed that not only do ants feed off
the aphids and protect them from predators but they actually move
them to the plants most likely to supply good sap for extra sweet
honeydew.And the aphid eggs are taken into the nest for extra security.
Dr Scrotum thought that it was difficult to view these creatures
as 'nothing but' blank automata. Sad to say, this is how the Behaviorists,
following the influential ideas of B.F.Skinner, view humans - apparantly
emotions,thought and even genuine freedom of choice are discounted -
so the ants don't have a chance!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I kill an ant
And realise my three children
Have been watching
(Kato Shuson)

Antics
.........
Most ants, like our skin cells, forego reproduction entirely
and instead perform some mundane task that makes life
easier for their kin, such as hanging bloated from the ceiling,
waiting to be tapped as a food source..we don't know how
these dangling ants feel.Resentful that their genes forced
them into this humiliating position? Delighted that they can
aid their kin? Or do they feel anything at all?
(Robert Wright - Nonzero/History,Evolution & Human Cooperation)

For love and for hate
I swat a fly and offer it
To an ant
(Shiki)

Rules is Rules
..................
...Jane,a 31 year old library employee said,"It's got
quieter nooks and crannies up here where proper
fantasies can kick in." "And then we get the people
wearing gloves." Her hands tighten on the trolley of
books she's holding,her eyes glaze over."But we don't
allow rubber up here."
(The Spectator re. the British Library)

Derek Says
................
Meanwhile, back in Sheffield...Dragons flying.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.163 - Naturally Lucky

2005-06-03T22:26:00.000+01:00

A belief is an idea going bald
(Picabia)

I must hurry,I must hurry,for the early morning light
Has broken through my window and the roses are
in sight,
Green leaves have caught the sunbeams and the dew
is on the grass...
A petal may have fallen if I linger 'ere I pass.
(June,2005 Jarrold Words of Wisdom Calender)

Naturally Lucky
.....................
Dr Scrotum carried his ladder down the front steps and
nearly trod on a large wood-lice. He watched it zig-zag
its way across the step and wondered what decision
making process made it move left rather than right or
right rather than left. Carrying on down he passed a
spider,sitting in the middle of its web,wrapping up
lunch. How did it build the web? He thought the usual
response - "Instinct" -explained absolutely nothing.
At the front of the house he positioned the ladder into
the tall hedge,plugged in the hedge cutter and
climbed up. After a few minutes of trim and slash,the
base of the ladder slid back into the road. Luckily there
was no car passing at that moment and luckily,while
going for manual reinforcements,he noticed a fresh ivy
shoot covered in aphids. (To be continued)

Derek Says - For your pleasure I search the Universe for new sounds
..............................................................................................
"While playing with the Ruins,Bailey,lost in concentration,
bumped into the back wall,the guitar making a resonating
clang.Looking down,he appeared to consider what had
happened and then playfully bashed the guitar into the
wall for a second time."

A Thousand Paths?
...........................
Be on your guard against a silent dog
and still water.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A,F. Bulletin No.162 - Nipped in the Budd

2005-05-27T20:30:00.000+01:00

Clocks cannot tell our time of day
For what event to pray
Because we have no time,because
We have no time until
We know what time we fill,
Why time is other than time was.
(W.H.Auden - Notes)

Nipped in the Budd
...........................
We joined the full house at Harold Budd's final concert at The
Brighton Dome at the weekend. Budd is sixty nine and is retiring
as he's "said all I have to say - I don't mind disappearing." Brought
up as a child in the Mojave Desert California, his music,at its best,
reflects the melancholy of large empty spaces.As part of the
Brighton Festival the presentation left much to be desired as my
letter below indicates.

Dear Mr Bagnall
Following your presentation of Harold Budd's final concert
on Saturday, I feel forced to offer my congratulations.
What a stroke of genius to put Mr Budd where half the
audience couldn't see him. I was very lucky, I could see his
legs under the piano and what a thrill it was when he moved
them. Thank you also for the very bright red light which shone
straight into my face for most of the concert.
Particular thanks are due for helping me to explore the
limits of my hearing. I would not have believed it possible
to suffer from tinnitus during a flute solo!
More thanks are due for allowing photographers to run up and
down in front of us during the final piece. It certainly made me
aware that my powers of concentration are not up to scratch
and that I must do better in future.
Every now and then I promise myself that I will make the effort
to attend more live music. This experience and others like it,ensure
that my bank balance stays healthy as I continue to enjoy music in
the more congenial atmosphere of my own home.

Derek Says
................
Last piece / How long has this been going on?

Misunderstood
....................
If you understand, things are just as they are; if you don't understand,
things are just as they are.
(Zen Proverb)

Heh heh heh heh heh heh
Heh heh heh heh heh heh
Heh heh heh heh heh heh

(Japanese haiku written to
celebrate a farting party guest)

Comfort Corner
......................
Going through that long dark tunnel? Comfort yourself
with the notion that your whole purpose in life may be
to serve as a warning to others.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.161 - Invisible Cities

2005-05-20T17:39:00.000+01:00

Some rejoice in victories-
others rejoice when strawberries grow.
(a thousand paths to enlightenment)

Invisible Cities
...................
I could tell you how many steps make up the streets
rising like stairways, and the degree of the arcades'
curves, and what kind of zinc scales cover the roofs;
but I already know this would be the same as telling
you nothing.
The city does not consist of this, but of relationships
between the measurements of its space and the events
of its past: the height of a lampost and the distance
from the ground of a hanged usurper's swaying feet;
the height of that railing and the leap of the adulterer
who climbed over it at dawn; the tilt of a guttering
and a cat's progress along it as he slips into the same
window.......
(Italo Calvino - Invisible Cities)

Life's not all ha ha hee hee
......................................
An ordinary day in the library.Arcy Darcy was issuing books
when he was knocked backwards by a dum-dum bullet in
the chest. He had failed to notice that the red light was on.
He had however managed to remember that it was the last
Friday in the month and had taken precautions against the
usual ten minutes of Staff Cull Time. He hoped that nobody
would be requiring 'The Indian Population Figures 1991' as
he brushed the fragments into a recycling bin.
A student requested a copy of Mission Impossible,so,keeping
his wits about him, he ducked under the counter, crawled on
all fours to the shelf, picked out the video and rolled quickly
back to his position. He had just finished issuing it when the
the desktop was raked with machine gun fire from the
direction of the Reserve Collection. Diving to the floor once
more he was relieved to hear the FFR (First Floor Resistance)
shooting out the lights in the stairwell in order to descend
under cover of darkness and provide backup.
He smelt the subtle blend of binding glue and methylated
spirits as Mad Mick and Anarchist Adam tossed molotov
cocktails over his head. This gave Arcy some welcome respite
and enabled him to serve three customers under the protection
of the thick black smoke.
The smoke cleared, there was another short burst of fire
from behind the DVD stand, and then silence. Arcy checked
that the red light was now off, breathed a sigh of relief and
once again turned his attention to the queue.

Derek Says
................
Think of the others-no East,no West,no South

Sound Politics?
....................
the music of a well-ordered age is calm and cheerful,
and so is its government. The music of a restive age is
excited and fierce, and its government is perverted.
The music of a decaying state is sentimental and sad,
and its government is imperiled.
(Hermann Hesse - The Glass Bead Game)

Blameless
.............
After shooting his wife,Louis Pilar of Rheims, told police
that a strike by television technicians was to blame.
From her hospital bed his sympathetic wife said she didn't
blame him as the evenings were very boring.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.160 - Plastic Dreams

2005-05-13T17:39:00.000+01:00

In the moonlight a worm
silently
drills through a chestnut
(Basho)

At first it seems paradoxical that in a dynamic and revolutionary era
most people should prefer the music of the past,until we realise that
for the vast majority of humans today,music no longer functions as
the antennae of the spirit but as a sensory anchor and stabiliser
against future shock.
(The Soundscape - R.Murry Schafer)

Organic
...........
A piece of music called Organ2/ASLSP was written by John Cage
"to be played as slowly as possible." The first performance took
20 minutes but Heinz Klaus Metzger,a German musicoligist decided
to take the instruction literally and make a performance last 639
years.It commenced on September 5 2001 but as it starts with
a pause, the first three notes were not played until May 1 2003
and have been playing ever since. Two more notes were added
during July 2004.Each movement lasts 71 years and the shortest
notes last 6 months and the longest 35 years.
There will be an intermission in 2319. Herr Metzger is worried that he
may not hear the whole performance which ends in 2640.

Plastic Dreams
...................
It was one of those peak experiences that held his life together.
There it was at the bottom of the packet - a miniature red
light-sabre to go with the blue one he already had. Given all the
technology,science and organisation required to produce this
magical object he was totally in debt to Mr.Kellogg.
And the memories that resurfaced under the influence of this
cheap piece of plastic! Memories of the pleasure in arranging
and rearranging the bed-side displays of R2D2, C-3PO,
X-Wing fighters,Darth Vader and the wonderfully gargantuan
Millenium Falcon, while the kids were asleep.
So,given the power of the cornflake, it came as no surprise
to learn that Derek Bailey was joining up with Kellogg's to promote
his latest record. Each Rice Crispy packet will contain a plastic
figurine(available in 6 colours) and a 3" CD. It is recommended
that you listen while eating a large dish of Rice Crispies (preferably
connected to an amplifier) in order to add the random 'percussion'
of the Snap,Crackle and Pop.
"Nourish your body daily
Whilst enjoying Derek Bailey"
Available at all good supermarkets.

The Gospel Record
...........................
During 2003 Derek Bailey travelled to Tennessee
to record an album of gospel songs with Amy Denio.
Working from a fire-and-brimstone hymnal used by
hot-gospellers The Stamps (famous for backing Elvis),
The Gospel Record is reportedly the strangest record
issued this year.Now issued by Spoot Music and available
from DB.

Fully Self Supporting
............................
In Cardiff North,how many votes were cast for Catherine Taylor-
Dawson - the Vote For Yourself Rainbow Dream Ticket?
You guessed. One.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.159 - Bye Bye Sandy

2005-05-06T17:38:00.000+01:00

Hot Karate Tips
......................
A man on tiptoe cannot stand firm.
(Lao Tzu)

Sandy's Favourite Joke
...............................
Murphy was given two weeks to live. He decided to take a week in July
and a week in September.

Bugged
...........
It seems entirely inappropriate that Nelson Mandela should have a sea slug
and a parasitic wasp named after him. Equally it seems entirely appropriate
that three new species of slime-mould beetle should be named Agathidium
bushi, A.cheneyi and A.rumsfeldi. The White House has remained silent,
although the beetles are signing a petition in protest.

I-tching to Know the Future
.......................................
To assist Sandy on her quest for a new career we consulted the
ancient Chinese oracle,the I Ching with the question"What should
Sandy do?" After throwing the coins six times we arrived at the
64th hexagram,Wei Chi - Fire over Water. The Decision reads as follows;
"Before completion.Progress and success. The fox has almost crossed the
stream when it gets it's tail wet.There will be no advantage in any way."
We sincerely hope this is useful in her new life.

Kool Karate Katz
.......................
www.funny-city.com/photos/karate_cat

Down Memory Lane
............................
Sandy,can you remember when you kidnapped my Troll
and cut his head off? Oh Sandy,what fun we had!

Derek Says
...............
Interlude : Bedrest : Dreams

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.158 - Spaced Out

2005-04-28T18:56:00.000+01:00

"What would the world be like without places?"
(Ivor Map)

Them Dirty Blues On Elder And Providence
...........................................................
The premier non-place in Brighton is situated at Elder Place and Providence Place,a large area which is grey,dirty and soulless. It's the 'back door' for the shops in London Road,and is used as a dumping ground for their rubbish. After a friend's remark that it represented the "back-side of capitalism" I had the idea of making a collage out of the rubbish and you can see the result at http://deafprat.blogspot.com/2005/04/them-dirty-blues-on-elder-and.html

All phases of modern art are covered in this truly renaissance venture: optical art (look down the tube and someone looks back); kinetic art (the pink bit revolves); conceptual art (a map indicates the location of the rubbish); minimal art (the white fork);abstract expressionism (the glue reacted with the paper); and pop art (the smiley car freshner, which also adds a touch of post -modern irony).Naturally the black area represents urban angst and the gold is my Midas touch.

So, no need to trek all the way to Tate Modern, it's all here! And no, it's not for sale!

Derek Says
...............
One object : Visions : Art in heaven

Non-Places : Introduction to an anthropology of supermodernism by M.Auge
.........................................................................................................
"An ever-increasing proportion of our lives is spent in supermarkets,airports and hotels,on motorways or in front of TV's,computers and cash machines. This invasion of the world by 'non-space' results in a profound alteration of awareness.........."

Beyond the pale?
.......................
"Marioni's 'Sound Piece' was the act of urinating into a galvanised bucket from the top of a 10 ft. ladder." (The Guardian)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

Them dirty blues on Elder and Providence

2005-04-24T16:18:00.000+01:00

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.157 - Cheap Thrills

2005-04-22T14:56:00.000+01:00

On Monday,when the sun is hot,
I wonder to myself a lot:
"Now is it true or is it not,
That what is which and which is what?"
(Pooh)

Pontificating
.................
Despite the media highlighting Celestine V as the first
resigning Pope it was actually Pontian on September 28th 235.
He was being sent to a certain death in the Sardinian mines
by emperor Maximus Thrax so he abdicated to enable someone
else to take over.

Derek Says
................
...some of these players provide an aural event about as far removed
from the directness and dignity of ethnic music as a thermo-nuclear
explosion is from a fart.

Cheap Thrills
.................
Flip: Exciting week?
Flop: They've planted lots of wallflowers between the tennis courts
in Preston Park.
Flip: ...Anything else?
Flop: Last night I saw a frog carry a tadpole up a tree and drop it in a
pool of water and go back the next day to feed it.
Flip: ..........Any snooker on the box?

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.156 - Death,Taxes and Cherry Blossom

2005-04-15T13:02:00.000+01:00

Manifesto or Are You Sinking Like We're Sinking?
....................................................................
The people are hungry:
It is because those in authority eat up too much in taxes
That the people are hungry.
It is because those in authority are too fond of action
That the people are difficult to govern.
(Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching c.500 B.C.)

Off The Wall
..................
As you enter the new Brighton 'Jubilee' Library, on your right is a wall
space
containing a generous selection of magnetic words.It was interesting last
Saturday to observe the general reaction to it.
One imagines that the Chinese ,who have a tradition of expressing dissent
on walls, would have written things like "Mao Lives" or "This library is
clap".
The Japanese,of course ,would have tastefully arranged haiku expressing
gentle
regret at the lack of Spring cherry-blossoms outside the library. Naturally
the Germans would have arrived early to completely fill up the
wall,preventing
anyone else from taking part and the French would have closed the area
down as a protest at the lack of French signage and would have assembled
numerous quotations by Marcuse.
And the English ? Despite giving the world Shakespeare it appears that
we find this form of expression too challenging. In general anyone
approaching
the wall toyed around with a couple of words,looked embarrassed and gave up.
Striking a blow for the cultural underbelly of Brighton I donated the
following;

honey
in an exotic place
risk all
then die

Derek Says
...............
A few words: Mabel,Mabel,take your elbow off the table.

Flower Power
...................
In Japan at this time of year they celebrate the flowering of the cherry
trees.
During Hanami ('flower viewing') the Japanese head for the parks and picnic
under the blossoming trees.

Temple bells die out
The fragrant blossoms remain.
A perfect evening!
(Basho)

A world of trials
and if the cherry blossoms,
it simply blossoms.
(Issa)

Our April Music Recommendation
.............................................
Jandek - Ready for the house.
"I like to play this just as the light is fading on the day:
as it creepily gets darker,Jandek is the perfect accompaniment
for making you feel that,yep, life really isn't worth living.....
the tension is palpable,like there's a vampire in the room."
(Vinyl Absolution#20)

Especially for Air-heads
...............................
For those taking part in the 10th air-guitar world championships
at Oulo,Finland here is a quick reminder of the rules.
1) Performances must be solo
2) Guitars must be invisible,ie made of air.
3) Dress and use of plectrum is optional.
4) The guitar may be electric or acoustic or both.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.155 - Beatific Visions

2005-04-08T15:25:00.000+01:00

A Great Pope
...................
"Here I am at the end of the road and at the top of the heap!"

"The feelings of my smallness and my nothingness always kept
me good company."

"I am not infallible."

"It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think
about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it.
Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope!"

"Italians come to ruin most generally in three ways; women,
gambling and farming. My family chose the slowest one."

(Pope John XX111 1881-1963)

Making Your Earth Move
.................................
The recent tsunami shifted the north pole by an inch
and as the earth now spins faster,daytime has decreased
by 2.68 microseconds.

Beatific Visions
.....................
The white smoke appeared, the expectant crowd in
St.Peter's Square looked up towards the the window.
Who would it be?
Pope Arcy the 1st waved to the crowd. Later that day
he declared the promotion of Derek Bailey to full
Sainthood, the first time for a living non-Catholic.
The Pope declared that each of St. Derek's solos
were miraculous and should be meditated on
frequently. St.Derek would become the patron saint
of sore thumbs. Also, those cardinals selected by the
previous Pope, were to be demoted and reassigned to
the third world to care for AID's victims.
The following day,Pope Arcy issued his first encyclical
requiring those in religious authority to take seriously
John 3.8. This was followed by a meeting with the Dalai
Lama who is also a devotee of St.Derek which is why
he is always laughing. Further news of their joint
'The Sound Of Two hands Clapping' world mission can
be obtained from soul agents Incus Records Barcelona.

Derek Says
...............
Theology:
So many;
So long.

Shrouded in Mystery
.............................
"Frankly,being Jewish,I find it very ironic that I spend so much of my
time educating Christians to the possibility that the Shroud is actually
authentic.I often wonder why so many people,particularly Christians,
have so much difficulty accepting that the Shroud may well be an
artifact of Jesus.After all,we have many genuine artifacts that are
much older than the Shroud."
(Barrie Schwortz - www.shroud.com)

Spiritually Wasted
.........................
So,if you go to confession, instead of getting 10 Hail-Mary's,
you could be told to 'Recycle your newspapers'.
(Fritjof Capra - Belonging to the Universe)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.154 - Paging the Devil

2005-03-31T15:28:00.000+01:00

I had to learn the simplest things last.
(Charles Olsen)

It is undone business I speak of
this morning
with the sea
stretching out
from my feet
(Olsen-Maximus)

Paging the Devil
......................
BISH : Been to the new Jubilee library in Brighton,bruv?
BOSH : Yeah, it's very big!
BISH : Is it working OK bruv?
BOSH : It offers a barrel load of services,which without
extra staff is dead amazing.
BISH : So it's all tickety-boo bruv?
BOSH : Oh yes! I tried a new catalogue terminal.It does
all sorts of things. Unfortunately it couldn't read my card.
The nice lady said it was a glitch.Then I went to collect
a reservation but the nice lady had issued it to someone
else five minutes earlier and the silly old computer removed
my reservation. The nice lady said it was that glitch again.
And now it's much easier to 'go on line'. Unfortunately even
with the help of the twelve year old sitting next to me I
couldn't get access. That glitch!!
Obviously everyone else found the new library vibrant and
exciting as I had to queue for fifteen minutes, but it was a
good chance to take in the layout and the architecture.
And what a stroke of genius to put the music collection
and the music reference section on different floors. Us music
types could do with the exercise.
BISH : So it gets your vote?
BOSH : Of course, it's so big and the toilets flush with rainwater!
BISH : A happening place bruv!

Derek Says
................
Nothing lasts like the makeshift.

Tickety-boo
.................
From Hindi "tikai babu"- "it's ok sir"

Our March Music Recommendation
...............................................
"Filth Pharmacy" by Sound of Mucus
issued by Ninth World Music.
"A zany disc,with some great sounds
to pick your nose to." The Wire magazine

Can You Swallow This?
...............................
A fifty-six year old Polish man died in Stoke-on-Trent
after choking on a garlic clove which he had placed in
his mouth overnight to scare off vampires.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.153 - A Digital Void

2005-03-18T15:29:00.000Z

And there you have it. There is money in grammatical
exercises. There is also a market for optimism. Any
pleasant thing in symmetrical trousers will find a purchaser.
(Ezra Pound)

Our lives are like the plants
Floating along the water's edge
Lit by the moon
(Ryokan)

Peaced Off
................
The monk said "I have no peace of mind.
Please give me peace of mind."
The sage said "Show me your mind."
The monk replied "I have been looking for my
mind for many years without finding it."
The sage laughed and concluded "Now you
have peace of mind!"

A Digital Void
...................
Sunday afternoon, the papers spread out over the floor,
empty coffee cups, Red House Painters on the hifi;
Sunday afternoon.
Nothing can spoil the apparant tranquility, not even
the knowledge that, in reality, he is spinning at 800 mph,
and is zooming round the Sun at 18 1/2 mps. Would that
tranquility be affected by the fact that the Solar System is
careering round the Milky Way at 155 mps and that the Milky
Way is itself skidding along at 185 mps? No, relax....
it's Sunday afternoon.
What about the Multiverse,a churning concoction of space-time
bubbles,of which our Universe is but a tiny part and which
could go bang in the next nano-second? Que Sera Sera ...
it's Sunday afternoon.
And those colliding black holes, closer than 100,000 light years,
which will wipe all the information from our credit cards (and incidentally
destroy all life on the planet) ?? Chill-out amigo, it's Sunday afternoon.

But what's this... Derek is still having trouble with his thumb?!! No
recordings
for the forseeable future!! How can this happen? Life's so unfair...even on
a Sunday afternoon.

Derek Says
...............
Titan moon;
Without warning,
The unnameable

March Book Choice
..........................
'On Bullshit' by Harry G.Frankfurt, Princeton University Press.
"There is so much bullshit in our culture.But why? What function
does it serve? We lack a clear theory of bullshit..."

Gardeners' Corner
........................
"Keep behind me. There's no sense in getting killed by a plant."
(The Day Of The Triffids)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F.Bulletin No.152 - Sole Music

2005-03-11T18:18:00.000Z

Four legs good
Two legs bad

(George Orwell)

It Takes All-Sorts
........................
..Red hair she had and golden skin,
Her sulky lips were shaped for sin,
Her sturdy legs were flannel-slack'd,
The strongest legs in Pontefract.
(John Betjeman - The licorice fields)

The Clone-Ranger - Sole Survivor
.............................................
Doc : We have the results on your leg.
Arcy : What's up doc?
Doc : It's chronically rotated and pulverised.
C.R.A.P. for short.
Arcy : Gosh! What can I do doc?
Doc : We can supply you with another. As
we speak, replacement legs are being
grown on the ears of hamsters.
Arcy : Can I choose which one I have?
Doc : Under the NHS, various models are
available to the older discerning client.
We have the Kirk Douglas,the Errol Flynn,
the Clark Gable or the Humphrey Bogart.
Private patients have access to a top-
drawer collection of David Beckham,HRH
Prince William,Arnold Schwarzenegger or
Tim Henman.
Arcy : I'm very disappointed that you don't supply
the Gene Kelly model. Before I make up my
mind I've obviously got to watch lots of black
and white films. Let me know if you can get a
second-hand Johnny Weismuller.Now I'm off
to Blockbuster.

Derek Says
...............
Step 1 - Bedrest
Step 2 - Saturday dance

I Hear Music And There's No One There
........................................................
"Doctor,doctor" said Bob Geldoff,"Every time I put my hat on
I hear music!" The doctor took the hat ,examined it and
brought it into the next room,returning a few minutes later.
"Try it now, Bob" he said.
Bob placed the hat on his head. Total Silence! "How did
you do it?" he asked.
Smiling,the doctor said, "I removed the band"

(the first band-aid?)

Discordant Note
.......................
As a glass box,the new Jubilee Public Library in
Brighton is an excellent glass box. However,after
perusing the new on-line catalogue they have got
one thing right. The expectant millions can now
borrow Derek Bailey's 'Ballads'. Get there quick
before it's nicked.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.151 - Gorillas in A Spin

2005-03-04T18:15:00.000Z

Lying in my freezing hut,unable to sleep;
only the quiet roar
Of water pouring over a cliff.
(Ryokan)

Interfacial Dichotomy
.............................
"Would you say you were a half full or half empty person, Ken?"

"Neither,Don. I live at the interface of hope and gloom."

(Biff)

Downbeat
...............
This heart is useless.
I must have another
(The Bride of Frankenstein)

Tubular Hells
..................
They were used to the green pallor,the bat-like gibberings and the oddly
twisted kneck, but, with the redecoration budget curtailed by the current
lack of funds, the green vomit all over the walls was just a bit too much.
This was a job for Father Arcy the Exorcist.
Father Arcy stood in the dark street, plucking up the courage to climb the
front steps. It didn't help that some bloody fool was playing Tubular Bells
rather loudly; something by Shostakovitch would have been far more
appropriate.
He let himself in, noted the smell of sulphur, and climbed the stairs to the
bedroom.
She sat on the bed, staring silently at him. His blood ran cold. With some
trepidation he unpacked the holy water and a well thumbed copy of
'Exorcism for Dummies'. Suddenly her head started to revolve and she
spoke with a voice straight from Hades.
"The focus on anti-featherbedding and core competencies will base-tend
the concentration of knowledge in select areas consistent with the tenets
of our strategic plan. Managements attention to the 800 pound gorilla will
be
achieved by whistling past the graveyard, benchmarking and bootstrapping,
leading to the establishment of superior core competency. Finally, continued
attention to a direct and indirect rising tide that lifts all boats will
enable us to
carve out a niche with our customers and supply a superior value added deep
pockets package of high quality goal-tending service. Whose ox gets gored?"

Father Arcy was afraid, very afraid. Satan did indeed reside in this place.
He
sprinkled himself with holy water but as he did so, she resumed her ghastly
message.
"Our corporate mission is to maintain a people-come-first environment where
all employees are integral components of our success formula." And then she
laughed a hideous laugh.
Unable to take anymore, Father Arcy fled from the house. Out in the shadowy
darkness 'Tubular Bells' was still mocking the night.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(A translation:
featherbedding : an unnecessary job
base-tending : protecting one's assets
800 pound gorilla : most important party to a transaction
whistling past the graveyard : trying to be courageous
bootstrapping : develop without outside help
a rising tide that lifts all boats : something that benefits all
deep pockets : wealthy
goal tending : protecting one's assets
Whose ox gets gored : who will be harmed by the plan?)

Derek Might Have Said
...............................
Possession is 9/10ths of the law

Tommy Cooper Said
............................
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.149 - Trouble and Strife

2005-02-17T15:46:00.000Z

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but,then again,so is a bicycle repair
kit.
(Billy Connolly)

So they're getting married. Of course,it's of no interest to me whatsoever.
Live and let live - everyone deserves a little happiness blah blah... as I
said
I've no interest at all.
However wouldn't it be amusing if he found a photo of Ossie Osbourne under
her pillow and spent the rest of the honeymoon sitting on his own in front
of
the Taj Mahal. Not that I'm really interested.
Is it just me, but isn't it strange that she's known by the name of the man
she
cuckolded, not that I'm interested. And it may be mildly interesting if it
turns
out that she spiked the driver's drink before the fatal crash.But not that
interesting.
And what was in the deal with Blair to subvert a thousand years of
constitutional
protocol? Couldn't care less! Presumably, now we'll have another Royal
officially
sponging millions from tax payers. Who cares?
As they grow old in each others company will her ears expand to match his?
We should care!
What's to care about when our premier family will be composed of a man
who wants to be a tampon and a woman who doesn't want to perform many
Royal duties as she's never worked in her life.........sod it, pass the
kalashnikov.

Derek Says
...............
Happily ever after

Ropey Inheritence
..........................
American housewife Mary Kuhery left her husband two dollars
in her will which he inherited only on the condition that he
spent half of it on a rope to hang himself with.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My grumbling wife -
if only she were here!
This moon tonight....
(issa)

Women's Glib
...................
I married beneath me,all women do.
(Nancy Astor)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.148 - Legless in Ch'in Ch'in

2005-02-11T17:07:00.000Z

What I tell you three times is true.
(Lewis Carroll - The hunting the snark)

Somewhere near you
..............................
We know no rule of procedure
we are voyagers,discoverers,of the unknown
the unrecorded;
we have no map...
(HD - Trilogy)

Bum Notes and Wet Hands
......................................
Dr Scrotum was drying his hands,or so he thought.
For several minutes he had actually been holding his
hands under the paper towel dispenser.Obviously it
was time to chill out,so on the way home,being a hip
kind of a guy,he purchased 'Kaleidoscope' by dj food on
the cutting edge leftfield neo-urban ambient dance label
Ninja Tune.
Unfortunately the first fifteen minutes was complete
rubbish although what followed was excellent.Having chilled,
the doctor began wondering if it was possible to scientifically
predict in the opening few seconds if a piece of music was
worth listening to,thus saving time for surfing e-bay for more
music.
Night fell,the foxs screeched,the dawn broke and Scrotum was
close to exhaustion but finally he solved it.
Enjoyment=Microtones x (Chromatic modulations)2
or E = M (C)2. What a coincidence! He tested his theory on a
Derek Bailey CD. The enjoyment factor was 101%.Eureka!!
Would he get the Noble prize for music? Would they put his brain
in a bottle. Would they wait until he was dead? He didn't care,
Scrotum's Equation would live forever,the future was bright, even
orange.
Suitably energised, he set about researching a way of distinguishing
between a hand dryer and a paper towel dispenser. A tough challenge
but someone had to do it.

Derek Didn't Say
.......................
Echinous slabs of dissonance from Bailey lacerate
the boiling phalanx of Sabu's cymbal vortex.
(One Final Note)

Legless in Ch'in Ch'in
............................
Once upon a time in the province of Ch'in Ch'in, the city gatekeeper
Wang King was brought before the city magistrate for theft. The
magistrate decreed that under the law, the gatekeeper must have a
leg removed and this was done. Six months later the gatekeeper was
back in court for the same offence and the magistrate had no choice
but to order the removal of the other leg.
Several years later,during a period of political unrest,the magistrate
needed to flee for his life and much to his surprise,Wang King,bearing
no grudge,unlocked the city gates at night allowing him to make his
escape to safety.
Confucius Say: Very good! With the blessings of the Tao, being legless
will not prevent a man becoming a goody two-shoes.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.147 - Tossed On The Sea Of Fortune

2005-02-04T18:13:00.000Z

Pretty Vacant
....................
A man of Tao finds all mirrors vacant.
(Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh)

Derek Says
...............
The Shadow:
Self-erasing dreams,
Exits

Giving a Toss
..................
Derek Bailey's birthday; a CD was duly dispatched
into the sea in recognition. A highly polemical gesture,
as I chose 'Sonatas by Scarlatti' played on the guitar
by Eduardo Fernandez. The classical guitarist is required
to use all ten fingers to develop a fantastic technique
but, more often than not,has only music of mind-crushing
dullness to play. Thank God for Billy Bauer,Bukka White
and DB. The ceremony was witnessed by several seagulls
and a couple with a dog who pretended not to notice.

For Mel and The Seagulls
..................................
Football is all very well a game for rough girls,
but it is hardly suitable for delicate boys.
(Oscar Wilde)

More well-known books to identify
................................................
1)..the sand was firm and covered with ripple marks,and I waded ashore
in great spirits,leaving the Hispaniola on her side...About the same time
the sun went fairly down and the breeze whistled low in the dusk among
the tossing pines.

2) In a severe gale like this,while the ship is but a tossed shuttlecock to
the blast,it is by no means uncommon to see the needles in the compasses,
at intervals,go round and round.

3) Your mind is tossing on the ocean.

Interesting
................
On September 1st 1830, Sarah Hales published 'Mary had a little lamb'.

On 11th January 1946 King Zog of Albania was deposed.

Belgian monk, Xavier Plosion (1210-1241) and assistant to scientist
Roger Bacon during his experiments with gunpowder,signed his
documents 'X.Plosion, thereby giving a noun to the language.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

(1 erusaert dnalsi 2) ybom kcid 3) tnehcrem fo ecinev 1,1 )

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.146 - Full moon over Norwich

2005-01-28T20:32:00.000Z

The man in the moon,
Came tumbling down,
And asked his way to Norwich;
He went by the south,
And burned his mouth
While supping cold pease porridge.

Norwich Yarn
...................
Having a pub lunch, next to the river.
What's this river called?
The River Yare.
Never heard of it.
Wonder if there are any swans?
Five minutes later two swans sail serenely by,
wings arched like billowing sails.
Both men say all swans are owned by the Queen.
Both women looked bemused.
And there's a moor hen.
It's a mallard!
Oh!
Here comes the food, are you really going to eat all those chips?
Later, waiting outside M&S in Rampant Horse Street,
a hailstorm turns my hair even whiter.
Wife finally comes out. Goodness! I haven't been that long have I?

Not Neil Armstrong
...........................
An ancient legend tells of a man with a bundle of sticks on his back,
who was banished to the moon because he collected his sticks on
the Sabbath.

Skip This
............
Nebuchadnezzar,King of the Jews,
Bought his wife a pair of shoes
When the shoes began to wear
Nebuchadnezzar began to swear
When the swear began to stop
Nebuchadnezzar bought a shop
When the shop began to sell
Nebuchadnezzar bought a bell
When the bell began to ring
Nebuchadnezzar began to sing
Do re me fa so la ti do

Happy Birthday Derek Bailey
.......................................
Born 29/1/30, long may he continue to do
whatever it is that he does.

Foow Foow
................
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with
an insomniac?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether there
is a dog.

The Re-mix
................
The man in the moon,
Came tumbling down
And asked the way to Norwich;
He went by the South
And burned his mouth
While supping cold plum porridge.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.145 - Clouded Outlook

2005-01-21T20:30:00.000Z

Clouds come from time to time -
and bring a chance to rest
from looking at the moon
(Basho)

Clouded Outlook
.......................
TIK : What's up bruv,why so miz? Every cloud has a silver lining!
TOK : Not this one. I've been watching 'Horizon'.
TIK : I've warned you about too much Reality Television!
TOK : Global Dimming.
TIK : The average IQ is dropping??
TOK : Nope, pollution is stopping sunlight reaching the oceans
and rain isn't going where it should.And some clouds are so dirty
they're reflecting sunshine away from the earth.
TIK : But bruv I don't understand. Don't we have global warming,
not global cooling??
TOK : That's the trouble.Carbon dioxide is heating up the Earth
and now that particle pollution levels have started to diminish,so has
the cooling effect!
TIK : Rock and a hard place!
TOK : With a 10 degree rise predicted and melting ice caps you'll
have trouble finding a rock or a hard place not under 50m of water!
TIK : Still bruv,it's just as well that all the world's biggest polluters
have signed up to the Kyoto Protocol....haven't they...bruv...?

Derek Says
................
100 years from today
The rattle of bones:
Don't save

Floating Statistics
...........................
The biggest clouds are cumulo-nimbus, floating six miles high and
holding 0.5 million tons of water.

The amount of water held in clouds at anyone time is sufficient to
drop one inch over the entire Earth.(but preferably all on Bush)

From which well known books are these quotes taken???
...............................................................................
1) It was just a quarter before twelve o'clock when we got into the
churchyard over the low wall. The night was dark with occasional
gleams of moonlight between the dents of the heavy clouds that
scudded across the sky.We all kept somehow close together...

2) Vaguely I could discern the black bank of trees and the lighter expanse
of the moor,for the moon was behind the clouds. And then I gave a cry
of exultation, for a tiny pin-point of yellow light had suddenly transfixed
the dark veil....

3) I shall try to look like a small black cloud.That will deceive them.

Confucius Say
..................
Cloud in hand worth two in bush

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

(Answers: 1) ALUCARD 2) SELLIVREKSAB EHT FO DNUOH EHT 3) HOOP EHT EINNIW )

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.144 - Things To Come (2)

2005-01-14T19:29:00.000Z

Shit Happens
..................
A bush-warbler,
Coming to the verandah-edge,
Left its droppings
On the rice-cakes.
(Basho)

"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some stuff that
nature replaces it with."
(Tennessee Williams)

Do Androids dream of electric sheep?
...................................................
Arcy Robo Darcy (Prototype 2B) was on duty in Zalmer library.
Painstakingly he scanned the queues with his laser. Security HQ
had recently issued an alert for Brownian suicide bombers, this
being the 15th tumultuous year of the Blair Dynasty.
Suddenly his student-welfare circuit sprang into life; he had
pinpointed a student with an attendance of only 9.9%. With
the laser in Reprogram Mode, the student's brain was scrambled,
to become a Tome-Stroker Grade 2 . She obediently moved
to the reshelving area to work day and night for the next ten
years, after which she would be sold to the Medical Centre
as Human Cadaver Resource.

As a Unison initiative, the Student Reprogram program was
proving so successful in cutting staff costs that degree courses
had increased to 12 months. Perhaps in the near future lectures
would resume, as in the old days.
Aware of the time , A.R.D. strode to Zussex House,where he
was to be an Acolyte in the Rebirth ceremony. Failing students
performed their sacred duty by jumping off the roof to protect
the University's unblemished pass record and were particularly
glad to do so, having received the VC'S firm promise that they
would gain an honorary degree in the world to come.

Afterwards A.R.D. sat quietly recharging in the Volt Hole, sipping
WD40 on-the-rocks, pondering the meaning of it all. The tannoy
sparked into action with a red alert, a student was complaining!!
He sighed, primed his stunner and moved slowly upstairs.

Dr Who
............
There have been 48 monsters in the soon to return Dr. Who.
Remember these? Cybermen - Drashigs - Fungoids - Kronavores
Krotons - Mechanoids - Vervoids - Wirrn - Zygons and Daleks.

Good News for a change
..................................
Derek Bailey has issued his first DVD, 'Playing for friends on 5th Street'.
A small concert in December 2001, 51 minutes of playing and laid back
story telling. Buy one now.

Trick Question
....................
Do you whip the donkey or do you whip the cart?

D.E.A.F P.R.A.T.(www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.143 - Flimsy Stuff

2005-01-07T19:27:00.000Z

I sit quietly listening to the falling leaves.
A lonely hut, a life of surrender
and this hut of sticks,
flimsy as the world itself.
(Ryokan)

Two Digits To Digital
.............................
Slipping into Brighton Art Gallery seemed to be the perfect way
to avoid sale-crazed crowds and my own increasing materialism.
Confessing sins in front of a Graham Sutherland sketch, lighting
an imaginary candle to the Art Deco movement,or reverentially
patrolling the latest exhibition like The Stations of the Cross,are
quietening,pacifying processes, although the truth that exists
here can be just as puzzling or remote as anywhere else.
The current exhibition is digital art by Sara Gadd based on the
life of Robert Louis Stevenson. An elderly couple were trying to
be enthusiastic. "Amazing what you can do with a mouse." "This
is the future." And then one of them said "I don't like this one -
it's got too many lines in it!" Roll over Mozart!!
Personally,I thought the cleverness on show had managed to
squeeze out any feeling or humanity which must have existed in
the mind of Ms. Gadd or Mr Stevenson. Nothing exhibited improved
on the charcoal scratchings on the cave walls at Lascaux.

**********************************

Art is a lie which makes us realise the truth.
(Picasso)

Amadeus off his head?
..............................
One for the diary. On the 250th anniversary of Mozart's
birth,27/01/06, we will discover if The Skull of Mozart,held
in Salzburg since 1901, is actually that, following DNA tests
carried out on it and the remains of his sister Nanneri.

Lost and Found
......................
Would the owner of page 59/60 from 'My family & other
animals' ,which recently arrived outside our house, please
claim it as soon as possible. Thank you.

Love is never having to say you're sorry
......................................................
She held her husband's hand tenderly as he lay dying.
He whispered "Samantha, I have something to confess
before I go." "It's alright dear,I forgive you" she said.
"But Samantha,I must unburden my conscience. I've
had an affair with your sister.I'm so sorry." "That's
all right my darling,I know all about it." "You knew but
said nothing?" he said with tears in his eyes. "Of course
I knew" smiled Samantha, " That's why I poisoned you."

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.142 - A new beginning

2005-01-01T17:31:00.000Z

Estragon : I can't go on like this
Vladimir : That's what you think
(Beckett - Waiting for Godot)

Coming home at last
At the end of the year,
I wept to find
My old umbilical cord.
(Basho)

Tales of the Unexpected
...................................
Whenever I walk
into my living room,
there is a couch.
If I turn my back
to it and then turn
around - there it is again.
(C.C.Clawson)

Dog-matism
................
While checking out the sales, I found myself in HMV,
looking through the jazz section.Out of the corner
of my eye I identified a fellow grey- haired curmudgeonist.
"This shop used to pride itself on it's jazz section - who'd
buy any of this crap?" I ventured. He smiled sympathetically
and picked up a large pile of CD's and went off to the paydesk.

Pain Hurts
..............
Pinch your skin and the pain signal speeds to the brain
at 98 ft.per sec. Bruises or aches travel at only 6ft.per sec.
but leg pain travels at 425 ft.per sec.

Derek Says
...............
New Year Message: On a clear day,you go to my head.

Wisdom of the cracker
...............................
If you don't know where you're going,
you'll probably end up somewhere else.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.141 - Have Yourselves An Enlightened Little Christmas

2004-12-22T13:01:00.000Z

The Master says: If you meet Santa on the road, kill him!

Snowman
..............
I keep my snowman in the freezer
Just behind the pies
He likes it there,he told me so
I can see it in his eyes

I made him on a cold,cold morning
When the snow was fresh and deep
Now he sits inside the freezer
Near the fish that we got cheap
(Ian McMillan)

Monk : Who is Santa?
Master : Who are you?

A woman came into the library and asked,"Do you have
childrens books?"
The Zen librarian said,"Do you have the mind of a child?"
The woman took off her shoes.
"Too intellectual" said the Zen librarian.

Monk : What is Santa?
Master : Dried dung

Legless Again
...................
After four days of misery with my leg,I was reunited with
my walking stick. I doubt that my father, who crafted it all
those years ago as a hospital carpenter,ever dreamed how
much use it would get from me.
Having given up on my 'doctor' I decided to attend the A&E
at the local hospital. I'd heard all the stories about A&E,seen
'Casualty' and was thus fully prepared. I took provisions for
a week, my entire collection of Derek Bailey CDs,Wagner's
complete operas, the complete works of Shakespeare and
the Bible.
It was Sunday and the place was packed. I reported to
reception and sat down. Five minutes later I was called in to
the doctor.
"Cobber,if I squeeze your thigh like this,does it hurt?"
"Yeeeeeeeeeees!!!!"
"Ham-string, take these strong painkillers.Tie your kangeroo
down,sport."
The whole thing took less than fifteen minutes and this is no
Christmas fairy-story.

Mass Communication
.............................
Why was St.Clare of Assissi declared patron saint of television
in 1959? She was a 13th century nun who prayed on her sick
bed that she would not miss Christmas Eve Midnight Mass at
her local church and then had a vision of the service in her
room, in full Nicam stereo.

Derek Is
...............
Walking in the air

Did He Jump or Was He Pushed?
............................................
ancient pond
santa
ho ho SPLASH

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.140 - Shop Early For Easter

2004-12-17T09:35:00.000Z

The world had a beginning
And this beginning could be the mother of the world.
When you know the mother
Go on to know the child.
After you have known the child
Go back to holding fast to the mother,
And to the end of your days you will not meet with danger.
(Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching )

Dumbing Up
.................
The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple
as not to be worth stating and to end with something so
paradoxical that no one will believe it.
(Bertrand Russell)

Cribbage
............
As our family will be fragmenting over Christmas this year we have
brought down the tree and crib earlier than usual. Unfortunately
this seems to have caught the occupants of the manger off their
guard. The Three Wise Men are huddled round a laptop,surfing
E-bay for gold, frankincense and myre,while the baby Jesus, still in
pink,is texting his wish-list to Father Christmas. The first shepherd
is still missing,believed to be in Abu-Ghraib,whilst the other shepherd
is reading the Koran. The Virgin Mary is on her mobile,booking tickets
for herself and the Angel to see Posh and Becks at Madame Tussauds.
And Joseph? He's on the roof dressed as Batman,holding a banner in
one hand demanding equal rights for fathers,and holding in his other
hand a can of worms.

Magi(c)
..........
During 2004 the Church of England has been debating The Three
Wise Men.
"Magi is a word which discloses nothing about numbers,wisdom or
gender. While it seems very unlikely that these Persian Court officials
were female,the possibility that one or more of the Magi were female
cannot be excluded completely."
Also being discussed is the possibility of turning the Chairman into a
Chair.

Popepourri
...............
Following the Vaticans disapproval of the nativity tableaux at Madame
Tussauds, we have been given a statement by Cardinal Xerud,who is
known to be close to the Pope. "Da 'oly Father ees not angry wiz
Mrs Beckham, she ata leasta wasa da virgin once upon da time. But eet
ees - ow you say - a kicka ina da bullocks when George Busha ees Wise Man!"

Derek isn't
...............
dreaming of a white Christmas. It snowed lightly in Barcelona during
February for thirty minutes, the first time in ten years.

A Male Preserve
......................
At a Parisienne carnival Julia Pastrana was billed as 'The
Ugliest Women in the World.' She fell in love with her
manager who, reluctant to lose her,agreed to marry her.
When she died her husband had her body stuffed to exhibit
all over Europe.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.139 - Spiderman

2004-12-10T11:28:00.000Z

Evil wins : The wheel keeps turning.
(Montale)

Anagram
.............
Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter:
Time's running past,we murmer.

Self Recommending
............................
The government of Hapsburg,Vienna in 1765 published a
catalogue of forbidden books. Twelve years later the catalogue
had to be included among its own contents because people
were using it as a guide to stimulating reading.

Anagram
.............
The accidental : Chance dealt it

Spiderman
...............
Another month,another funeral. And after, the need to chill out
with some piano music played by Arturo Beneditti Michelangeli.
With a name like that you had better be good and he was.
Arturo died in 1995 and every day since, fresh flowers have
appeared on his grave. Apart from being one of the great
interpreters of Debussy, he would have easily gained an entry
into the Guinness Book of Records for the number of concerts he
cancelled at the last moment, because 'the vibes were bad.' In the
end it was a great privilege to be at a concert where he actually
turned up.
The CD being listened to was from a 'live' 1977 concert in the
Vatican City. According to the CD blurb "Michelangeli succeeds in
making compatible two opposite terms such as rigor and freedom,
merging sound and form until they are one and the same." Does
that actually mean anything? In a recent article in 'Popular Music'
about Jeff Buckley you can read,"Buckley fetishised utopian
authenticity" and lots more like it. Why does music and the Arts
in general attract this grandiose rubbish?
During a quiet passage I became aware of the ticking of a clock,
on the mantlepiece, the clock which until recently had sat on
the late Maureen's bedside table. There was also an awareness
of a web of time strung between the two speakers, made up of
the sound of a dead pianist from the past playing in the here -and-
now ,being measured in the here -and- now by a clock which also
reached back into the past.
Inevitably I was trapped in that web, until,with equal inevitability,
I fell asleep.

Derek's Anagram Says
..............................
Eek! Dye Blair!

Trapped
............
The rat trap exists because of the rat; once you've caught the
rat you can forget the trap. Words exist because of the meaning,
once you've caught the meaning, you can forget the words.
Where can I find a man who has forgotten words so that I can
have a word with him?
(Chuang Tzu)

Anagram
.............
The nudist colony : No untidy clothes

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.138 - Dear Colleague

2004-12-02T13:37:00.000Z

b US t
University
of Zalmer

Dear Colleague,
I am writing to all staff to tell you of a serious problem and to give
you information about the steps being taken to address it.
The practice of wearing magnetic name badges in the library,so that
staff can be readily identified,has put us all in extreme danger.
Our Geophysics Department has confirmed that the total magnetic
force of these badges is exerting such a strong pull on the Earth's
iron core that an earthquake is imminent. Also staff are exhibiting an
embarrassing tendency to point North.

To rectify matters we have investigated micro-chip technology and
find that it is very affordable. In the near future,when a student
approaches a staff member,their library card will send a message to
the chip implanted in the staff members nose which will light up.
The status of the staff member will be indicated by the colour of
their nose: Grade 2 - yellow, Grade 3 - green, Grade 4 - blue.
As usual no approach should be made to a red nose (Grade 5),
except on Red-Nose Day when they will be carrying a bucket for
loose change.

I am conscious of all the hard work and efforts of all the staff,some
of whom may be asking what action has been taken against those
responsible for this debacle.Rest assured that they have been removed
and as we speak are being forced to spend the rest of their miserable
lives in the Caribbean.

Most of you will be conversant with Gertrude Stein's bracing poem:

The right spirit.
There are difficulties and they must be met in the right spirit.
This is an illustration of the difficulties we have in many ways.
Then we go on.

Quite! Upwards and onwards.

Al
Vice Chancellor

************

Derek and the Ruins Say
..................................
Bishumtsull
Nibbimco
Odangdoh
Munugan Melpp!

Paradise Lost
..................
Fate shall yield
To fickle Chance, and Chaos judge the strife.
(John Milton)

Highway to Heaven
...........................
I think that cars today are almost the exact equivalent
of the great Gothic cathedrals: I mean the supreme creation
of an era,conceived with passion by unknown artists,and
consumed in image if not usage by a whole population which
appropriates them as a purely magical object.
(Roland Barthes)

A man in Cleveland admitted to police that he had shot and
killed his wife on his day off from work but refused to answer
any questions,on the grounds that what he did in his spare
time was his own business.

D.E.A.F P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.137 - A Little Britten

2004-11-26T22:59:00.000Z

This bulletin is especially proud to announce a World Exclusive.
We have discovered the original manuscript to an opera written
by the famous composer Benjamin Britten when he was three.
We hope you enjoy the libretto which is set out below.

The Scarf, an opera in one act by Benjamin Britten
.......................................................................
Characters: Grey-haired gent, good for his years - Baritone
Young Female Shop Assistant - Soprano
Chorus: Female Browsers - Contralto

Setting: A charity shop in the middle of Winter

Curtain Up

Gent: What a cold day
What a cold day
An icy day!

Chorus: A very cold day
A day that's cold
An icy day

Gent: Oh Dear! Oh Dear!
I have lost my scarf!
My neck is cold, so cold

Assistant: What a cold cold day
You look frozen
Can I help in any way?

Gent: I want a scarf
A woolly scarf
A warm scarf

Assistant: We have the one
See, bright and woolly
And lots of fun

Gent: It's very bright!
Not my usual black or blue
How does it suit? (wraps scarf round neck)

Chorus: Red
And blue
And yellow
And green

Assistant: My aged dad has one
Just like it sir
As fashion it will run and run

Gent: I'll take it now!
I have a fancy
To be cool and warm

Chorus: Cool and warm
Cool and warm
Warm and cool!

Gent: (pays for scarf and strides out of shop)

Light dims, curtains.

(Thanks to British Heart Foundation for the scarf, only £1.50)

What would Jesus do?
...............................
"John Ashcroft is replaced in the U.S. Government by Alberto
Gonzales, who advised his boss in a memo that the U.S. president
has the right to ignore the Geneva Convention and torture prisoners."
(Newstatesman)

South Wind
.................
Blind lamentation in the wind,moon-days of winter,
Childhood,softly footsteps fade by the dark hedge,
The long peal of bells in the evening.
Softly the pallid night approaches.....
(Georg Trakl)

Dyno-Rod Say
...................
The explosion in luxury toilet paper is placing toilets under considerable
strain.Some paper takes hours to disintegrate.
(The Times)

Derek Says
...............
Fragments / Melancholy Departure

Apology
...........
We endeavor to get the few facts we use correct but we're
only human. In the last issue we spelt a name incorrectly. We
know how this can cause offence and can only say,"Shawn,
we are really sorry".

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.136 - X-Rated

2004-11-19T13:48:00.000Z

Don't read too much now:the dude
Who lets the girl down before
The hero arrives,the chap
Who's yellow and keeps the store,
Seem far too familiar.Get stewed:
Books are a load of crap.
(Philip Larkin)

Derek Says
...............
Song for someone,
Jerky heads -
Buckle up!

X-Rated
...........
Dr.Scrotum entered the library, only to find it once again filled
with television equipment. One of the porters informed him that
the VC had been awarded a large bonus for spearheading the
extremely successful University reorganisation and the library
was hosting a special edition of LIBRARY X-FACTOR to raise the
necessary funds.
The show was getting underway,with Simon Cowell as adjudicator.

S.C. : What makes you think you've got the X-Factor, Manus?
Manus : Well Simon, I can issue a book and talk about Northern
Soul at the same time.
S.C. : Impressive! Off you go.
Manus : Blah Blah Steve Mancha Blah Blah Calvin Grayson Blah Blah
Tommy Neal...Click Click Thud.
S.C. : You're through to the final.(Wild Applause)

S.C. : And what have you got for us Fiona?
Fiona : I'm going to recite from memory a letter by Virginia Woolf.
S.C. : Let's hear it.
Fiona : Dear Leonard...
S.C. : OK OK, I don't want to listen to that rubbish - Off!! (Wild
Applause)

S.C. : The X -Factor seems in short supply. Go on, make my day Grainne.
Grainne : I'm going to plan a work-rota that will keep everyone happy
and sing 'The Sun Has Got His Hat On'.
S.C. : Let's see what you're made of, strut your stuff.
Grainne : (after two hours) I'm sorry, it's impossible!
S.C. : Goodbye! (Wild Applause)

S.C. : And who's this Prat?
Arcy : I'm going to reprogram this computor and hum Derek Bailey's
version of 'Oops I did it again' - err, where's the ON switch?
S.C. : Time waster, off you go! (Wild Applause)

S.C. : Are you another X-less wonder Catherine? What can you do?
Cath : Simon, I will make your earth move. I'm going to dance
the Lambada and read the minutes of the last meeting.
S.C. : Can't wait!
Cath : (She dances a brilliant Lambada but can anyone REALLY read
Shaun's minutes?!)
S.C. : Hopeless. Next! (Wild Applause)

S.C. : Who's this - the local scrap yard? A computer,a copier & a
microwave!!
C/C/M : We're called 'Voices with Rust' and as well as singing an electric
version of Lady Marmalade, we will make an omlette,burn a CD & copy the
complete works of Shakespeare - "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir"
S.C. : Stop! Fabulous! The way forward - the winners! Has anyone signed
you up? (Wild Applause)

*******************

What a pity he's going - such a nice man
.........................................................
"I want to be the bully on the block"
(Ko-Lin Pow-Ell)

For things to stay as they are, things will have to change.
(Giuseppe di Lampedusa)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.135 - Frog Spawn

2004-11-12T14:28:00.000Z

I'm nobody!Who are you?
Are you nobody,too?
Then there's a pair of us-don't tell!
They'd banish us,you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
(Emily Dickinson)

*************
300 years ago Basho wrote what is arguably the world's most
famous short poem - ancient pond/frog jumps in/sound of water.
This is our tribute.

*************

Three ancient frogs:
A pond-
Plop
Plop
Plop

(D.P.)

By an ancient pond
a bullfrog sits on a rock
waiting for Basho?

(Scott Alexander)

ancient pond-
a frog jumping into its splash

(Clarence Matsuo-Allard)

A a
pon fat
der old
ous frog
oc goes
ca
sion plop!

(Cyril Patterson)

One frog flattened
on the road-
another croaks beside
the lily pond.

(C.P.)

Calling all Tossers
.......................
Derek Bailey's birthdate is January 29th 1932 and it is
proposed that we mark his birthday each year with a
special ceremony.
The Tossers will meet on the Banjo Groyne on Brighton
seafront and toss an unwanted CD into the sea. The
biggest Tosser will be awarded the title 'Tosser of the Year'.
Naturally, it will be entirely against the spirit of the occasion
to toss anything by Derek.

Derek Says
...............
Ovations : Along the coast : Pleistozaen mit wasser

Fresh puddle:
A yellow leaf,
No sound!

(D.P.)

Three frogs walked into a bar.The fourth frog ducked.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

134 - Air Pressure

2004-11-05T18:11:00.000Z

Hell,I never vote for anybody; I always vote against.(W.C.Fields)

If they can get you asking the wrong questions,
they don't have to worry about the answers.(Thomas Pynchon)

Things should be as simple as possible,but not simpler.(Einstein)

Air Pressure
.................
As with the man so with the music : confrontational. Derek Bailey
has played drum'n'bass with DJ Ninj, has accompanied a naked Butoh
dancer, a tap dancer, various heavy metal rock groups, John Zorn
playing duck-calls under water and has recently played with T.H.F.
Drenching ,a very fine exponent of the musical bricks.
As an interested and sometimes bemused listener I have, in a small way,
endeavoured to carry on this policy whilst listening. I have listened whilst
standing in the middle of a shoal of fish in Cornwall, whilst viewing 16th
century paintings,whilst puzzling over a rusty metal sculpture and whilst
walking through a loud thunderstorm with lightning spattering through
the sky. My recent flight to Dublin gave me another opportunity to test
and recontextualise Bailey by listening when racked with the fear of flying.

The first thing you notice when boarding is how everyone is packed in like
sardines.The pilot then informed us that due to turbulance the flight
was likely to be bumpy. Oh joy! The plane taxied for what appeared
to be hours and much to my surprise took off without crashing. I reached
for my Walkman but felt a tap on the shoulder and a small rectangular box
was handed to me. Inside was a minature doughnut (American style,no jam),
a minature Kit-Kat and a biscuit.This was followed by half a cup of tea
which
had trouble staying in the cup due to the turbulence. Yes, 160 quid well
spent!
Of course, by the time all the cardboard was collected up, with much pushing
and shoving up the narrow gangway, the flight was nearly over and Operation
Bailey was abandoned. It was the same on the way back but without the gut-
shifting drops in altitude.Maybe the experiment will be repeated but I'm
more
than happy to wait.

Derek Didn't Say
.......................
Come fly with me

That Mojo's Workin'
............................
"Firstly,great drum sound: ratat,tat-thump.Every band should have one.
What every band doesn't have are immersive melodies and delayed guitars
spiralling away from bombastically swelling choruses, songs that keep
expanding
and collapsing in whistful eddies. Can't tell what separates this band from
the
likes of Coldplay or Snow Patrol. Probably nothing."
(Review of the latest CD by the Mojo Fins from The Source)

John Peel
..............
I have several tapes of John Peels Radio One program. To save space for
the music I edited out John's spoken links,which in view of recent events
is a pity. Hopefully John is getting his teenage kicks 'up there'.

Haiku
........
November evening
The moon is up, rooks settle,
The pubs are open.
(Wendy Cope)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.133 - Dublin Odyssey

2004-10-31T09:00:00.000Z

The human body is the best picture of the human soul.
(Wittgenstein)

...Your eyes have grown dull,your tears cloudy,
Your hair is grey.

You don't understand the songs birds sing
Anymore,nor stars,nor summer lightning...
(Anna Akhmatova)

Dublin Odyssey
.....................
Another flight with Captain Charon over the Irish Sea,our
River Styx, to another Dublin funeral. Another Irish welcome,
another struggle trying to connect up the family tree, another
struggle to remember all the names.
Another rainy day, another graveyard, another perfectly crafted
hole in the ground, another coffin,seemingly too small to contain
a whole life.
Another afternoon in the pub, another chance to watch Grandad
demolish a large plate of sandwiches in record time, another ballad
session where the occasion turned sentimental songs into master-
pieces and another glass of real Guinness.
And another ocassion to feel very proud of my wife.

So, Maureen, as it may be your first and last chance,Rest In Peace.

Moonlight Becomes you?
.................................
All my friends
viewing the moon -
an ugly bunch
(Basho)

Derek Says
...............
When I listen to popular music,I cry.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.132 - Nothing To Say

2004-10-22T18:12:00.000+01:00

I have nothing to say and I am saying it
(John Cage)

Ain't that a shame
..........................
A man may not be without shame. But if he is ashamed of having
been without shame then he has no cause for shame.
(Mencius)

Young Man,there's a place you can go, Y-M-C-A Y-M-C-A
..................................................................................
Arcy : I bought this here last week for £7.50. It doesn't work.
Assistant : Can I have your name,address and telephone number sir.
Arcy : Why ?
Assistant : So I can fill out this report form for our technical manager,
who will phone you as soon as possible.That's the way we do things sir.
Arcy : There's a vacant plug in the wall behind you. Why don't you just
plug this into it and if it doesn't work ,give me my money back ?
Assistant : That's not the way we do things,sir.
Arcy : Shouldn't you change the way you do things ?
Assistant : I'm not a technical expert sir.
Arcy : You need to be a technical expert !? Anyway presumably it was
your technical expert who guaranteed that the item was fully tested
and working !! Can I speak to the manager please.
Assistant : I am the manager sir. I'm afraid this is the way we do things.
If we made it easy to return goods, everybody would do it sir.
Arcy : !!!!!!!!
(Mention my name at YMCA Electrical Goods,Hove to get special treatment)
#################

I die in the tears of the morning
I kiss the wail of the dead....
(Ezra Pound - Anima Sola)

In Europe no one knows how to scream anymore.
(Antonin Artaud - An effective athleticism)

Urban Haiku
.................
Coke snorting Mutu
Sucked my blood
(The Sun)

Jacques Derrida
......................
Following the recent death of Jacques Derrida,the (in)famous
Deconstructionist philosopher ,it is perhaps worth noting that
Scritti Politti wrote a song dedicated to him.
"I'm in love with Jacques Derrida
Read a page and know what I need to
Take apart
My babies heart."

Vote Clincher
..................
"When John Kerry is President,people like Chris Reeve are
going to get up and walk again."
(John Edwards, Kerry's running mate.)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.128 - All That Fall

2004-09-24T13:20:00.000+01:00

On a withered branch
a crow has settled -
Autumn nightfall
(Basho)

Life is a comedy for those who think & a tragedy for those who feel
(Horace Walpole)

All that fall
...............
Dante : Where we going bruv? This place smells of rotten eggs.
Virgil : We are descending through the ten levels of Hell.
Dante : Level one. And there's Deafprat.
Virgil : That's the Pit of Pitiless Piss-takers. He is condemned
to listen to Cilla Black for ever and ever and ever.....
Dante : Well, he had it coming! What's next?
Virgil : Now we are passing over the Lake of Lascivious Librarians.
Dante : Even through the smoke and flames I can see some
unfortunate souls.Goodness that's ...
Virgil : Let us hurry from this awful place.
Dante : We seem to be nearing the bottom. I don't believe it!
Derek Bailey! Why?
Virgil : Don't worry. He's a special emissary from the Angelic Host
to ensure that Satan suffers as much as the rest of humanity.
Next week they're sending the Osmond Family.
Dante : It's very satisying to see Hezekiah Talis,the inventor of the evil
and inhuman library computer system, roasting on a spit. Can I
stoke-up the fire?
Virgil : We are not safe,let's go.
Dante : Wait a minute, where are Bush and Rumsfeld?
Virgil : Bush is in Purgatory as he didn't really understand what he was
doing. As for Rumsfeld, Satan felt he would give evil a bad name
so his soul has been outsourced to Reincarnations Inc. Look out
for the birth of Damien Beckham. Let's go, I'm dying for a burger,
there's a MacDonalds on level 9.

Autumn Leaves
......................
The fall of a leaf and the fall of Lucifer are the same thing..marvelous
isn't it?
(Samuel Beckett)

Buddha Says
..................
Whatever appears as a little happiness is but a change of misery.

Derek Says
...............
Don't piss in my ear and say it's raining

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.127 - Madeleines,Memories and Music

2004-09-16T13:26:00.000+01:00

And suddenly the memory returns. The taste was that of the little crumb
of madeleine which on Sunday mornings at Combray my aunt used to give
me,dipping it first in her own cup...
(Marcel Proust - Remembrance of things past)

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened...
(T.S.Eliot - Burnt Norton)

In A Mist
.............
Dr Scrotum recently bought his first CD by Bix Beiderbeck, the cornetist
from the 1920's,who gave jazz a cool white sound. So the Doctor was
particularly surprised when he recognised all twenty tracks. Obviously these
had been heard on the radio over the last forty years or so and had stuck in
the memory. Surprising,when a walk from one room to the next usually
guaranteed a total loss of memory.
He started musing on his musical past,what were the landmarks? This took
him back to 1958 when he was fourteen and standing in the kitchen,with
the Sunday roast in the oven and the greens bubbling away on the stove,
and Two-Way Family Favourites coming from the radio. This was a request
program aimed at servicemen and women posted overseas and most of the
requests were intended to express undying love or the misery of separation.
So,frankly,the music wasn't up to much, except on this particular day the
announcer said something about the Dave Brubeck Quartet,and what
followed was sheer magic, especially Paul Desmond on sax. Luckily,while
rummaging through the meager stock of a small local electrical shop the
following weekend,he came across the piece on an EP.
It was called 'History of a boy scout', a tribute to US soldiers in Korea,
with a nod towards Stravinsky's 'Histoire du Soldat'. Paul Desmond went on
to write the big hit 'Take Five' and made so much money from royalties he
refused to continue playing!

Christmas followed and the famous 'Kind of Blue' by Miles Davis was duly
acquired.
Scrotum was hooked. Now, he couldn't help wondering how his life would have
been different if he hadn't been in the kitchen at that precise moment all
those
years ago.

Eddie Condon Says
..........................
Beiderbecke's cornet sounded like a woman saying yes.
(Naturally,being British, Derek's guitar sounds like a woman saying yes
please.)

The Misery of Sax
.........................
Adolphe Sax invented the saxophone. In the meantime he appears to have been
rather accident prone.During the course of his life he was hit by a falling
brick,swallowed a needle,fell headlong down a flight of stairs,toppled onto
a burning stove and accidentally
drank sulphuric acid.

Derek Says
................
I'm just what Spain needs. Another f...ing guitar player!

The Fool On The Hill
.............................
"The best Beatles songs for me are the love songs in which
lyrical pentatonic innocence is modified but not destroyed by
rhythmic ellipsis or harmonic ambiguity."
(Wilfred Mellors - New Statesman)

And finally some excellent advice from Fiona
.............................................................
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never eat at a place called Mom's.
Never sleep with a man whose troubles are worse than your own.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.126 - Spuds,You Like?

2004-09-09T12:47:00.000+01:00

There was no need to do any housework at all.After
the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
(Quentin Crisp - The naked civil servant)

In every speck of dust are Buddhas without number
( Anon.)

It's in the bag
....................
"To be fair there are one or two moments in the current crop
of chocolate gobblers and washing powder fixated mums that are
genuinely imaginative. I like the lady in the bath with sides which
turn into waterfalls; and really beautiful is the golden crisp
commercial, most of which is shot from inside the bag."
(George Melly)

Walker's Back To Happiness,Woopah Oh Yea Yea
.....................................................................

DUCK : What's with all the movie gear?
DIVE : Walker's Crisps are making their new TV commercial here at
Zalmer,a nice little earner for the university. They're using an original
script by Deaf Prat and actors from the library staff.
DUCK : So whats the plot?
DIVE : The first scene is in the house of a woodchopper,his two children
and their wicked stepmother (electric performance by Cath Morgan) who
wants to be rid of the children because they eat all the crisps. She tells
her kind but henpecked husband (Mike Jacomb) to take them into
the forest to be eaten by the Big Bad Wolf.
DUCK : Did you say original script? What's next, a glass slipper!
DIVE : The second scene is in the dark,dark forest. The kind father has
given the children a packet of crisps before abandoning them and they
have survived an attack by the Vampire Goblins (good to see the Executive
Suite strutting their stuff).
Suddenly they discover a house built entirely of crisps.
The children (Katherine Marshall & Gary Simpson) are welcomed in by an evil
old crone (Adam Belsey at his cross-dressing best), who imprisons them and
lights the oven so she can cook and eat them.
DUCK : Is this an ad or an epic? How does it end?
DIVE : There is a knock on the door, it's the Big Bad Wolf (Gary Linnaker),
disguised as an encyclopedia saleman.
He kills the old crone and releases the delighted children. However he bites
off their heads and starts eating the house, the blood on the walls
reminding
the viewers that it is Walker's Tomato crisps being promoted.
"No more Mr.Nice Guy" scrolls across the screen. The End.
DUCK : Nice Tarantino touch!
DIVE : Nice

Derek Didn't Say
........................
You shoot me in a dream,you'd better wake up and apologise.
(Reservoir Dogs)

Crisp Quotes
..................
A Walkers on the wild side
(Nelson Algren)
You'll never Walkers alone
(Oscar Hammerstein II)
These boots are made for Walkers
(Lee Hazlewood)

Psycho-Spud
..................
Eating crisps is an invitation to product- sadism. You tear
the pack open to get at the contents, rip it further to get
at the corner-lurkers in the bottom,and then crush it crackling- flat
in the fist before throwing it away. It's the first and most familiar
of Total-Destructo products and probably sublimates more
aggression per annum than any quantity of dramaturgical catharsis.
(Reyner Banham - New Society)

Appeal
..........
11 million Walker's crisp packets are abused each day.Write to your MP.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.125 - Keeping the Flame Alive

2004-09-02T13:46:00.000+01:00

When a lovely flame dies
Smoke gets in your eyes
(Otto Harbach)

A Flickering Flame
.........................
Peering down
Sudden awareness:
Wrinkly toes

Just For the Record
............................
There were 24 doping offences at the Athens Olympics,only 12 offenders
were found out at Los Angeles 1984. The Athens total included three
gold medal winners, who deprived the genuine winners of their moment
on the rostrum.The two Hungarian competitors were caught trying to
manipulate
samples. D.E.A.F. readers say "Stop taking the piss."

Derek Says
...............
Dark drug : unanswered questions

Sexual Athletes
......................
Our cultural correspondent has been reliably informed by the Sun that the
free condoms available to residents of the Olympic Village were dispensed
at a rate of three per athlete per day.

Er.........?

"How ever much money it takes,we must ensure that Khan remains an
amateur. (Olympic boxing expert)

Keeping the Flame Alive
..................................
BUM : Magic innit
DUM : Yeah magic. What is?
BUM : The Olympics innit
DUM : Yeah magic innit
BUM : Even the guy on the telly said that Greek history had been
rewritten when a Greek hurdler won gold. Imagine, if Alexander
had been a hurdler, he would have been really really Great.
DUM : Yeah, opportunity missed innit
BUM : And what about all those great slo-mo shots on the telly
DUM : 'Specially when world champ Allen Johnson floated under
the hurdle, his designer shades hanging in space while he slowly
slid along the track on his chin
BUM : And he was smiling innit!
DUM : Had obviously been puffin' on a good Siberian Tiger!
BUM : My fav was the hammer floating high above the crowd,
the ball and chain looking like an obese spermatazoa
DUM : Wicked! And what about the way the chalk drifted off
the weight-lifters hands, gently spreading through space. Perhaps
a few particles will find their way to Tienamin Square before the
next Olympics in Bejing
BUM : Wicked,really wicked, innit?

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.124 - Demographic Debauchery

2004-08-26T12:38:00.000+01:00

America is a vast conspiracy to make us happy.(John Updike)

Sioux Haiku
................
On a relief map
mountains remind my fingers:
"Where Crazy Horse tried".
(William Stafford)

Demographic Debauchery
.....................................
George put aside his 'Dr.Seuss' and opened the report from the
Population Reference Bureau. He read its prediction that by 2050
India would have the largest population with 1628 Million,191 Million
more than China and more importantly,1208 Million more than the
USA.
George went clammy.How was American culture to survive?
What if curry houses put MacDonalds out of business? What if
Bollywood broke the Hollywood monopoly? And what was to stop
them taking our women, with all that doggone Karma Sutra stuff.
George's finger hovered over the red button but he wondered
if India had a nuclear deterrent. What to do?

6000 miles away Dr. Scrotum was working on another problem.
Recent research* had shown that the Universe, instead of containing
zillions of billions of electrons, actually has only one electron which
manages to be everywhere at once.
Could Dr.Scrotum work out how to apply this to humans? He put
Shamanic Tribes On Acid into his CD player and the solution soon
became clear. The phone rang. It was the President.

"Tony gave me your name. We need 1208,000,001 additions to the
US population, pronto. Can you effectivize the commencification of this
program for the sake of World culture and the Special Relationship."
Scrotum explained his recent discovery and said he knew a man who
would be up for it.

The next day Arcy Darcy's phone rang. It was the President. With a
trembling voice Arcy confirmed "Mission Accomplished Sir, God Bless
American women." And then he expired, with the biggest smile in the
Universe.
(*New Scientist)

Not just a cuppa then???
...................................
The Master Hoshin said," Who would then deny that when I am sipping
tea in my tearoom I am swallowing the whole universe with it and that
this very moment of my lifting the bowl to my lips is eternity itself
transcending time and space?"

Derek Says
................
Mirakle

Manus Says
................
The largest LP ever made was 21" and the smallest was 2", containing
the Lords Prayer.

Holy holy
.............
In 1940 a proposal was made to build a 300-foot statue on the summit
of Mount Battle,Maine,USA in honour of Captain Hansen Gregory. Why?
He invented the hole in the doughnut.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.123 - This Sporting Life

2004-08-19T23:49:00.000+01:00

'Cause tramps like us,baby,we were born to run.
(Bruce Springsteen)

The dread of beatings.
Dread of being late!
And,greatest dread of all,
the dread of games.
(John Betjeman - Summoned by Bells)

This Sporting Life
.........................
It was the opening ceremony of the Zalmer Library Olympics.
The Librarian made a speech. She reminded us of the
Olympic Ideal - it was not the whinging but the being taken
apart that was important.We were also reminded of the Olympic
motto; faster,higher,further,cheaper.
After lighting a sparkler she declared the Games open.

First on was the Kitchen-Devil knife throwing event,which was won easily
by Gayemarie Crane who managed to despatch twice as many undergrads as the
nearest contestant. This was followed by the Mobile Phone shooting contest
(a variation on clay- pigeon shooting). Jo Rees Davies was favourite but
as she was about to fire, a student's mobile rang in the watching crowd.
The funeral is tomorrow and Jo was unfortunately disqualified.However
she did receive a Special Commendation.

Next off was the Hyper-Marathon, requiring contestants to circuit the campus
50 times carrying five volumes of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Due to the
especially
strenuous nature of this event, competitors were allowed to use the recently
invented US military ration pack.This contains freeze- dried chicken and
rice, and
a filter capable of purifying urine. Where competitors are suffering from
dehydration ,the VC has shown great leadership by offering his services.
The race is still ongoing but we understand that Hugh 'Black-Rod' Ferguson
has
a short lead over Manus 'Sniffing Vinyl' Doherty.
The Sumo- Wrestling gold medal was won by Peter Hignell who had no problem
bouncing Ron Pollard out of the ring. Very touchingly Peter afterwards said
that
he had been thinking of his mother throughout the contest. Tim Haillay is
the
winner of the Olympic Mastermind competition, gaining 100% for his chosen
subject; the sex lives of British composers. Deaf Prat was a clear favourite
for a
table tennis gold. However when taking the obligatory drugs -test, he missed
the bottle and was also disqualified.

The student-throwing competition was won by Joy Eldridge, who managed
to toss a student all the way down the library steps.The silver medal
was won by Lucy Pearson. Well done Special Collections!!! Finally, the
Syncronised Morris Dancing was won by Sean Goddard and Tim Graves, but
they were subsequently eliminated for not disclosing the vast earnings from
Sean's best seller 'The Morris Tradition'.

Derek Says
................
Under Tracey's Bed;Tea:Talk:Cricket:Einstein's Bagels

Stumped
.............
In Pakistan in 1977 a cricket team showed their collective displeasure with
an
umpires decision by beating him to death with the wicket stumps.

Football Crazy
...................
Corsican fan Jean-Marc Luccheti averted a certain goal being scored against
his
team by shooting the ball in mid-air with a revolver. He was jailed for
three months.

And finally
..............
It is perfectly acceptable to be yourself. It is unacceptable to be someone
else.
(The Little Book of Total Bollocks)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.122 - Pedometrical Paranoia

2004-08-19T10:33:00.000+01:00

I feel the centipede in me
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Johnny Mathis
....................
I lay all my songs at Johhny Mathis' feet
I said,"Johhny tell me
Can you tell me how to live?
All my hopes are unraveling and I just lost my lease
On my house without love,doors,or windows
Without peace."

And with a wave of his jewel-encrusted hand
Across the glittering Las Vegas scene he said,
"You gotta learn how to disappear in the silk and amphetamine."
(American Music Club - Mercury)

Quiet Literary Moment
...............................
"The stars drew light across the night sky
in that little mountain village, and the silence
and the cold made the darkness vanish away."
(Che Guevara - The Motorcycle Diaries)

Derek Says
................
..hanging off a bloody telegraph pole when the temperature's about ten
below zero is not a lot of fun.

Raising a Stink
....................
On his death-bed a Master was asked by his disciple if there was anything
he needed to know. The Master said that he was quite satified but one
thing bothered him. The disciple asked what it was so that he could reach
perfection. "Well" said the Master,"the trouble is that you still stink of Zen."

What a Smell, Wat a Smell
.....................................
My Dads feet
smells
especially when
he takes his shoes off
especially when
youre having your tea
its not good enough
for me
(David)

Waterloo Sunset
........................
Dr.Scrotum was playing with his toy soldiers. It was the battle of Waterloo.
Napoleon was on the run and as a final gesture he unleashed the artillery.
Overlooking the battle were Wellington and Lord Uxbridge. What followed
was a classic example of British understatement.
Uxbridge : "My God Sir, I have lost my leg!"
Wellington : "My God Sir,you have!"
Uxbridge was taken to 214 Chaussee,Waterloo(now demolished),where
the smashed leg was amputated without benefit of anesthetic.
The leg was buried with due ceremony in the garden and the spot marked
with a headstone. Each year on the anniversity,Uxbridge returned to the
'grave' and emptied a bottle of the finest wine over it.
When Uxbridge died in 1854 the leg was exhumed and buried with its
owner.
While he was putting his soldiers away, Scrotum wondered which battle to play
next time. Perhaps he'd give the Miner's Strike a re-run and this time he'd equip
the miners with tanks and bazookas.

Toeing the Line
.......................
A Dutch M.P. is seeking a law against unsolicited toe-licking
because police cannot prosecute a man who sneeks up on
a woman for an uninvited taste.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.121 - The Worldly Erotics of Canoodle Play

2004-08-06T02:37:00.000+01:00

A city without desire is a city of no imagination.
(Aristotle)

I had not fastened my sash over my gown,
When you asked me to look out the window.
If my skirt fluttered open,
Blame the Spring wind.
(Tzu Yeh - China 3rd Cent.)

may i
........
may i feel said he
(i'ii squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she

(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she

(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she).....
(e.e.cummings - USA)

Brotherly Love
.....................
Apparantly some amongst us find Jason from Big Brother hunky
and erotic. If you agree I recommend that you go with all haste
to Brighton Art Gallery and view the exhibition by Ana Maria Pacheco.
The large black and white prints are very striking and are self
recommending, being mainly about torture and suffering. The large
display made up of 7 larger-than- life carved wooden figures contains
a group of 3 naked men,all bearing an uncanny resemblance to 'J',
with triangular upper bodies and deeply troubled expressions.Perhaps
they too have imbibed several glasses of raw pureed fish guts.

It's a man thing
......................
"Whipping a girl seemed to have an exciting effect on Randolph,for,
after switching one he invariably used to come to me,wherever I
happened to be and poke me with great vigour.I thought it strange
at the time,but I since found out that men's passions are inflammed
by whipping the bottom of a female until she cries and writhes with
pain...it shows what cruel creatures men are."
(Anon. - The Memoirs of Dolly Morton)

Derek Says
...............
Desk decisions for the ambitious young analysts,twanging their
bra-straps,whistling a tune. (Poetry performance by DB,author
Ben Watson(see also 'The negative dialectics of poodle play').

Size is Everything
........................
"A gigantic Danish whore once told me in Paris that she had just
passed the night with a man who was so small that she simply
couldn't find him in the bed in the morning - she looked everywhere."
(Sunday Times)

Dead Foxy
...............
Apparantly a recent survey confirms that there are 250,000 country
foxs and 33,000 urban foxs. Fox hunting accounts for 25,000 foxs
each year.

Worldly Words
....................
Melcryptovestimentaphilia : Fondness for women's black underwear.
Urtication : Flagellation with fresh nettles.
Callipygian : Having beautiful buttocks.
(Dickson's Word Treasury)

Desert Island Dick
........................
Dick had been ship-wrecked on a desert island for three years
with only a dog and a pig for company. He found himself being
strangely drawn to the pig,but the dog was a jealous dog who
prevented any assignations.
One day Dick discovered a beautiful young girl lying unconscious
on the beach. He covered her with palm leaves and when she
came round she thanked him for his help.
"To show my appreciation you can have anything you want" she said.
Dick was very excited. Shouting,to make himself heard over the
crashing waves,he asked "Will you take the dog for a walk?"

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.120 - Walkin' Back To Happiness, Woopah Oh Yeah Yeah

2004-07-30T02:37:00.000+01:00

that we are all late
in a slow time
that we grow up many
And the single
is not easily known...
(Charles Olsen - Maximus)

It's a man thing
.......................
When Rikyu was still apprentice at the art of tea, his master told him to
sweep the court attached to the tea-room. In fact the court had already
been swept by the master and was spotlessly clean. However Rikyu read
his master's mind. Shaking a tree a little,he let a few leaves fall on the
ground. The master was overjoyed.

Literary Quiet Moment
...............................
Under the level light of the sagging moon, beneath the myriad stars,
the beach lay waiting for the end. It was alone now, as it had been
at the beginning. Only the waves would move, but for a little while,
upon its golden sands.
For man had come and gone.
(Arthur C. Clarke - Transience)

Shizzle My Nizzle
......................
Another day, another rummage through a box of old CDs.
What have we here - Skullflower (the 90's post-punk
metal-drone outfit) with artwork by famous cartoonist
Savage Pencil. At home with my bargain, I look it up on
the internet. This is what it said. "Limited to 1000 copies
and out-of-print. Due to a problem at the CD pressing plant,
the CD is prone to 'disc rot', in which the metallic covering
oxidises over time, making the disc unplayable."
I had always assumed that stories about rotting CDs were put
about by twisted vinyl obsessives but could they be true?
I took another look at my CD. The edge had started to turn
brown.
Did I have the only playable copy of this masterpiece? Nope!
So if you've got any CDs that you haven't looked at for a while,
be warned, you may be in for a shock.

Said of Lone Ranger Derek
.....................................
Bailey's notes sail like slo-mo silver bullets.
(Hi-Fi News)

Old Technology
........................
They tell you to use one. But do they tell you how to? So
how DO you use a walking stick? Where do you put your thumb
and index finger,how far in front/to the side, do you touch
down? Is it all in the wrist? No worry,will watch out for 'Walking
Sticks for Dummies'.

By George
...............
"Do you have blacks too?" - Bush to Brazilian President Nov 2002.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.119 - The Power of Love

2004-07-23T02:39:00.000+01:00

Dizzy
.......
I cannot understand you
'Tis because
You lean over my meaning's edge and feel
A dizziness of the things I have not said.
(Trumbull Stickney)

Literary Quiet Moment
...............................
She lay stretched out on the floorboards of the punt with her
hands under her head and her eyes closed. Sun blazing down,
bit of a breeze,water nice and lively. I noticed a scratch on her
thigh and asked her how she came by it. Picking gooseberries,
she said. I said again I thought it was hopeless and no good going
on and she agreed,without opening her eyes. I asked her to look
at me and after a few moments she did,but the eyes just slits,
because of the glare. I bent over her to get them in shadow and
they opened. Let me in. We drifted in among the reeds and stuck.
The way they went down,sighing,before the stem! I lay down
across her with my face in her breasts and my hand on her.
We lay there without moving. But under us all moved,and moved us,
gently,up and down,and from side to side.
(Samuel Beckett - Krapp's Last Tape)

Brotherly Love
....................
The power of love is a curious thing
It makes one man weep
and another man sing
(Quoted by Big Brother)

Encounters of a fourth kind
......................................
It was breakfast time at Zalwyn House,our guest-house in Norwich.
When odd couple Ron & Edna met us at the door on the previous
evening,my son whispered"Are we in Royston Vasey?"
We sat down for breakfast and discovered that it was their custom
to sit with guests and talk...and talk and talk. When Ron discovered
that my son played guitar he suddenly disappeared and then reappeared
holding a guitar. Without any introduction he started playing a Spanish
classical piece with so much eye-rolling that we all started choking on our
weetabix. The hilarity was only increased when their siamese cat started
'singing' along, although Ron appeared not to notice at all. After ten
minutes
he stopped and then lectured us on the desirability of being able to read
music.
What a delight it was to be able to escape to our room to watch all those
normal people in Big Brother.

Derek Says
...............
Close to the kitchen

Love in a Cold Climate
...............................
She lay a while with a subtle smile
And then her grip grew keener,
And with a sigh she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.
(Ballad of Eskimo Nell from 'Sex,Women and Power')

Mencius Goes Out On A Limb
.........................................
Suppose there is a man whose right knee is crooked and cannot be
stretched out. If there were a healer in Barcelona who could straighten
it for him,he would cheerfully travel all that distance,simply because his
knee is not as good as other men's. This fact causes him real annoyance,
but the fact that his moral nature is not so good as other men's has
no effect.
This is called lacking a sense of proportion.
(freely adapted from the sayings of Mencius)

Picture This
................
WE ROSE UP SLOWLY...AS IF WE DIDN'T BELONG
TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD ANY LONGER...LIKE
SWIMMERS IN A SHADOWY DREAM...WHO DIDN'T
NEED TO BREATHE
(title of painting at the Hayward Exhibition by Roy Lichtenstein)

And lastly: Not-So-Virgin FM
.......................................
"I'd like to put the proposition to you that being a single person
in a room with a radio set is like being in bed with someone. It's
essentially an erotic situation."
(Radio Times)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.118 - Tip-toeing through the Asphodel

2004-07-16T02:40:00.000+01:00

Welcome stranger to this place,
Where joy doth sit on Every bough,
Paleness flies from every face,
We reap not, what we do not sow.
(William Blake - shepherd songs)

Comfort Corner
.....................
Keep your mind in Hell and despair not.
(Staretz Silonan)

Double and Quits
........................
"It is possible to imagine entirely new functions for clones,quite
different
from those assigned to them today, which all hinge on the perpetuation of
life.For instance, they could function as instruments for the satisfaction
of
the death instinct - as recipients of a death wish.Kill your clone,destroy
your-
self with no risk of actually dying." (Baudrillard- the vital illusion)

Quiet Literary Moments
................................
There was a cold moon at the window,pouring light into the dorm like
skim milk . I sat up in bed and my shadow fell across the body,seeming
to cleave it in half between the hips and the shoulders,leaving only a
black space. The swelling had gone down enough in the eyes that they
were open;they stared into the full light of the moon,open and
undreaming, glazed from being open so long without blinking until they
were like smudged fuses in a fuse box. I moved to pick up the pillow and
the eyes fastened on the movement and followed me as I stood up and
crossed the few feet between the beds.
(Ken Kesey - One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest)

Event Horizon
....................
And the wind cried "Mary." Dr.Scrotum looked out of the window at the
empty fox hole. In some mystical sense this signified how he was feeling;
deep,dark,empty and full of shite. "What kind of fool am I? - How deep
is the ocean? - Where have all the flowers gone?" The plangent sound of
Derek Bailey's guitar shook him out of his reverie. He had just finished
reading a paper by Hughie 'slippery- stick' MacSporran entitled 'The
Dialectics
of Swiss Army Knives and Staff Displacement in the Modern Workplace.' It
was a long time since his brain cells had been so strenuously exercised,so
for light relief he turned to an article in New Scientist regarding the real
possibility of time travel by quantum particles and thereafter by us.
His reverie continued.
"Yes Sir,we have some tickets left for the Battle of Hastings,the Coronation
of Elizabeth 1 and the invention of the Wheel. No Sir,unfortunately all
tickets
for the birth of Derek Bailey have gone."
And how about the option of working at Zalmer University in those sunny
days of the 60's. Imagine, two members of library staff to each book,only
a few hundred students,a VC who wasn't tempted to double his salary each
week, a university governed by social ideals rather than the market place ,
fresh red brick that hadn't yet been afflicted by damp-rot, and good jobs
waiting for graduates.
He turned the page and was stunned to find that you could now hear an
accurate computer simulation of the Big Bang, raised by 50 octaves to make
it
audible.Apparantly the beginning of the Big Bang was bangless,only gradually
becoming rather loud.**
The phone rang. "Una muy bonita.Hasta la vista bambino." It was Derek,still
struggling with his Spanish."I've been reading the New Scientist about time
travel and the Big Bang. Dueting with the Big Bang is a gig I've always
wanted.
In fact I want to play BEFORE the Big Bang, I want to BE the Primordial
Sound."
I explained that there was no 'before' as time only started with the Big
Bang.
Derek said that he didn't need time, just somewhere to plug his amp.
So we left it there. Perhaps one day.And even if we can't make the trip with
him ,get the CD from Incus Records Calle de Roca 6,Piso.08002 Barcelona.
(**www.astro.virginia.edu/-dmw8f, under AAS presentation.)

Derek Says
................
I don't listen to records voluntarily.

Gutsy
.........
"He's remembering to breathe,so important at a time like this."
(Wimbledon)

Urban Haiku
.................
Under the knife:
I had a tummy tuck
At 25.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.117 - A Casualty of Truth

2004-07-09T02:41:00.000+01:00

The painted picture of a dumpling does not take one's hunger away.
(Master Kyogen)

Quiet Literary Moments(2)
.....................................
He let himself into the silent apartment. He put his bag down in
the living room. The apartment was cold. The living room seemed
like a closet. His cousin stared at him from the photograph on the
end table. He thought he could hear the distant barking of a dog.
(The Book of Lights - Chaim Potok)

A Casualty of Truth
...........................
The sun was shining; in the distance the sea was blue and
calm; on the opposite roof,on one leg ,stood a seagull.
Last night, under cover of darkness,we held a meeting.
We needed an escape plan. After watching England we
needed to get out of this place.The escape commitee
was split into two factions. Bent Patella Alf and Evil Finger
Pete favoured tunneling down to X-Ray department where
people routinely disappeared for weeks on end. However
Clubfoot Jack and Laughing Knee Charlie preferred hiding
under the early morning tea trolley, surrounded by the heavy
cloak of interminable cheerfulness exuded by the trolley ladies.

So there we were at 5.30 am waiting for the trolley to arrive,
Pete and Alf having gone to the Volunteer Shop for a shovel.
To pass the time, Jack accurately recounted the name of
every Brighton cinema past and present. Fascinating. And then
we were strangely drawn to the 5000 replays of Beckham's
penalty. So engrossed were we ,that we missed the trolley.
Oh well, for the moment we would have to make do with 200
knee lifts, a kip and even more Beckham replays.
(Big Up to James in the next bed who farts for England)

Derek Says
...............
Windsurfing:Don't even think about it.

Penalty Clause
.....................
It takes 1/2 second for a typical penalty kick to travel 12 yards
to the goal, which is the same time a goal keeper takes to react.
And just for the record, not even Beckham can score a penalty
when the ball is moving away from him.

We have the Power : A Testimonial
..................................................
Naturally, just before going up for knee surgery, I listened to
Derek Bailey. Later the anaesthetist told me that they were able
to perform the operation with little anaesthetic. The surgeon was
also listening to Derek for the first time and finished in half the
time. The existence of Bailey Ward is a tribute to the remedial
qualities of his music.

European Expansion
.............................
It is rumoured that UEFA President Lennart Johansson will be
making an important statement regarding the 2008 championships.
Following the widespread concern about the standard of refereeing
throughout the 2004 competition it has been decided that as most
referees are dickheads, overall responsibility for refereeing in 2008
will be given to The Pickled Penis of Napoleon.Privately,Johansson says,
"It is hoped that this penetrating insight will not meet with stiff
resistance
from the fans."
(O.K. that's enough 'mummy' gags for a while although did you hear
that Anthony Spears may be released from Death Row on the evidence
provided by a mummified maggot?)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No. 116 - Welcome to the Diary Room

2004-07-02T02:41:00.000+01:00

The World decomposes into facts.
(Wittgenstein)

Celia Celia
..............
When I am sad and weary
When I think all hope has gone
When I walk along High Holborn
I think of you with no clothes on.
(Adrian Mitchell)

Quiet Literary Moments
.................................
I wasn't doing any work that day,just catching up on my foot-dangling.
A warm gusty breeze was blowing in at the office window and the soot
from the Mansion House Hotel oil-burners across the alley was rolling
across the glass top of my desk in tiny particles,like pollen drifting over
a
vacant lot.
(Raymond Chandler - Goldfish)

Celebrity Big Mother
............................
"Would The Mummified Right Arm of Teresa of Avila come to the Diary Room."
MRA: Yo Big Mother. As the only black person in de house I wish I could say
I'm hip but........Nevertheless, I'm a smart bitch and I play dirteeee.
I'm on a miss-ion
to get a sub-mission
my sex drive is
like nu-cle-ar fiss-ion
no white- honky shit deris-ion

If yo' can't swim yo'll drown.
Watch yo' backs Muthaf*ckers

"Would The Pickled Heart From The Son Of Louis XV1 &
Marie-Antoinette come to the Diary Room"
PH: Bonjour Big Mere. Why am I going to win? Well obviously I'm
all heart with an arresting presence. And I'm a party sort of a guy;
it must be all those years spent in a bottle of alcohol. I'm going on
the attack and am confident I can make other hearts race. Obviously
I'll be heart-broken if I lose, I don't want fame to byepass me.

"Would The Buddha's Finger come to the Diary Room."
BF: Om Big Mother. Action by none-action is how I will win.
And of course I've got my finger on the pulse.
Om Mani Padme Hum
Sting like a butterfly
Float like a bee.

"This is Big Mother. Due to the 'three in a bed' episode witnessed by the
whole nation last night,which clearly breaks the House rules,as punishment,
all preservatives will be withdrawn until further notice."

STOP PRESS

Big Mother has an important announcement.
Due to the recent spate of murder,suicide and
insanity inside the house,it has been decided
to recruite 3 new housemates. These will be,
The Buried Leg of Lord Uxbridge,The Bum
Knee of Deaf Prat & Mr. Fox From No.5.
Their first task will be to play for the host nation
Portugal in the final of Euro 2004.
Each must score a goal before extra time to reduce
the stress levels of long suffering fans.
With his exceptional tail Mr.Fox is a sweeper in the
Bobby Moore tradition, The Buried Leg will deal
with all dead-ball situations and The Bum Knee, with
his racquet skills, will be brought on 5 minutes before
time to employ the 'Hand of God' technique.
O.K. Chicken?

Derek Says(about the new book)
................
Fictions:Fables:Epiphanies

Coming your way soon
.................................
"A casualty of truth:the inside story of an N.H.S. hospital"

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.115 - Tripping on broken beats

2004-06-18T02:43:00.000+01:00

Is there some deviant logic unfolding,more powerful than
that provided by reason?
(J.G.Ballard)

Story Time
.................
Baby Bill: Sniff Sniff - Tell me a story!
Big Pussey: Then you promise to stop crying & go to sleep?
Baby Bill: I promise,but make it a TRUE story.I'm suffering
from too much fantasy.
Big Pussey: O.K. then. Once upon a time they discovered
that the amoeba reproduces by the simple process of dividing
into two.When an amoeba has fed well for sometime,it rounds
up into a ball and the nucleus divides.
The entire process takes under an hour.Each half behaves just
like the parent and soon increases to maximum size.Since an
amoeba thus continues to exist in its offspring it may be said
to be immortal & every amoeba which now exists is directly
continuous through the ages with the first amoeba.
Baby Bill: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ......

Respect to 'The Book of Leviathan' by Peter Blegvad.
Text from 'Animals without backbones' by Ralph Buchsbaum.

Nothing ever was anyway*
.....................................
1) Nothing exists
Not Being does not exist
Being does not exist
2) If anything exists,it is incomprehensible
3) If it is comprehensible,it is incommunicable.
(Gorgias of Leontini c.444 BC)
(*Annette Peacock)

"I do not exist. The fact is well known."
(All that fall - Samuel Beckett)

Mouth to Mouth
.........................
Dodger: Funny old month.
Wodger: Yeah.Funny.
Dodger: Derek Bailey's gone to live in Barcelona.There goes
my chance of seeing him 'live'.
Wodger: That's tough. So is the rise in petrol prices. Those
poor Americans are having to pay £1 a gallon! Strange that
the price of cheap petrol loses more votes for Bush than
officially sanctioned torture.
Dodger: Yeah, he's in a hole, like the fox cubs that are
digging up my garden .
Wodger: I hear you've purchased another foxy CD by Derek.
Dodger: Yeah. Strangely it's called 'Barcelona'.
Wodger: That's strange but not as strange as the uncritical
veneration being given to Reagan considering he reduced welfare
payments to the poor and treated Aids sufferers so contemptuously.
Dodger: Even stranger is the continuing disappearance of the
mummified head of Mata Hari from the Museum of Anatomy in Paris.
She blew a kiss to the firing squad just before they shot her.
Wodger: After would have been really really strange. I've heard a
rumour that the head is going to be used in the Euro 2004 final.
Dodger: A funny old month. I need something normal and down to
earth..I know,I'll go and listen to Franz Hautzinger play his quarter-tone
trumpet with Derek; what he can't do with vibrating spit isn't worth doing.
Wodger: Good idea.Mind if I join you?

Derek Says
.................
Please don't talk about me when I'm gone.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.114 - Light Fingered

2004-06-10T03:15:00.000+01:00

I think we are in rats' alley
Where the dead men lost their bones.
[T.S.Eliot - The Waste Land]

Gutei's Finger
...................
Gutei raised his finger whenever he was asked a zen question.
A boy attendant began to imitate him; when anyone asked
about his master,the boy would raise his finger.
Gutei heard and cut off the boy's finger.The boy cried and ran
away. Gutei called after him,when the boy looked round,Gutei
raised his finger.
The boy was instantly enlightened.

Newsflash
..............
Buddha's finger has arrived in Hong Kong in a bullet proof glass box.
The 2500 year-old bone,which was found buried at Famen Temple,
Xian, in 1987,is reputed to bring peace and luck. (The Times)

Near the knuckle
........................
THE MUMMIFIED LEFT ARM OF TERESA OF AVILA: Hey dude,gimme five!
THE BUDDHA'S FINGER: Ring a ding ding baby.Om Mani Padme Hum.
MLA: You're looking great.I like a guy who stays trim. How was the flight?
BF: Thanks, in between adorations I pump iron.The flight was OK but I
wasn't allowed out of the box to join the 'Mile High Club'.
MLA: What a bummer ! I've also had it tough lately,what with Tony*
grovelling to me every day asking if he should stay or should he go.
I'm supposed to give him hope & consolation but really I should say
"Fuck off Tony,you've blown it".
BF: I can see that you're deeply spiritual. I've been reading your book
'Interior Castles'. Can I take out an option on it for a Channel Five soap?
Nuns in torment,Ross Kemp as psychotic Abbott,you know the sort
of thing.
MLA: Sounds groovy but you'll have to speak to my agent.
BF: I really must press on,won't get to Nirvana by just sitting around. I'm
meeting the Dalai Lama for an arm wrestling session.
MLA: Nice meeting you. If you come across my right arm give my regards.
And remember, if you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.
BF: Wow! You're my sort of chick. How about getting together later
for some tantric fooling around?
MLA: It's a date!
BF: Sayonara doll - B.R.U !
(*for the story of how Tony Blair & the mummified left arm of St Teresa
became partners, refer to bulletin no.72 - the Mummy Returns)

Derek Says
...............
Breaking off

Pull your
............
finger out, John Prescott. Brighton & Hove Albion need that new
stadium at Falmer, now they are back in the first division. Seeeeeagulls!

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.113 - Over the top

2004-06-03T03:16:00.000+01:00

Politics is war without bloodshed while
war is politics with bloodshed.
(Mao Tse-Tung)

D.D-Day Tribute
.......................
It was 8.20. A grey morning. On the order, we hit the station
and under a hail of seagulls made our way to the base of the
library steps. Doing our best to avoid the anti-personnel fag-ends
we made our way to the top and regrouped. Looking behind us,
we realised,with stomach churning intensity,that it might be some
considerable time before we saw again the sky,the trees and the
green,green grass of home.
We burst through the library door and all hell let loose.

Dear D-Day Diary
........................
This morning at breakfast the waiter told me the Second Front had
opened. I sat down early to work and wrote a fine passage of Lord
Marchmain's death agonies. Carolyn came to tell me the popular
front was open. I worked through till 4 and finished the last chapter,
took it to the post...My only fear is lest the invasion upsets my typist
or the post....
(The Diaries of Evelyn Waugh - Tuesday 6 June 1944)

Derek Says
................
The big gundown

Reverse Tactics
......................
"You put so much stock in winning wars", the grubby old man scoffed.
"The real trick lies in losing wars, and knowing which wars can be lost.
Italy has been losing wars for centuries,and just see how splendidly
we've done.."
(Joseph Heller - Catch-22)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

No.112 - Spiritual Exercises

2004-05-27T03:16:00.000+01:00

To A Ghost
................
I heard your footsteps coming up the stairs,
Or were you moving just ahead?
I keep on wondering who you are and where
You lie unknown.

I hear you move across the room and sigh,
I hear you close the door and wonder why.
What do you regret? I half suspect
You hate to be alone.
(Barbara Cartland)

On the Spiritual Path
.............................
"Mankind will someday realize that we are actually in contact
with the dead & with the other world,whatever it is; right
now we could predict,if we only exerted enough mental will,
what is going to happen within the next hundred years & be
able to take steps to avoid all kinds of catastrophes.When a
man dies he undergoes a mutation in his brain that we know
nothing about now but which will be very clear someday if
scientists get on the ball. The bastards right now are only
interested in seeing if they can blow up the world."
We told Jane about it.She sniffed."It sounds silly to me."
She plied the broom around the kitchen. Bull went in the
bathroom for his afternoon fix.
(Jack kerouac - On the Road)

Ghost Watch
...................
We have just received a report from our resident
Ghoulies Inspector Mrs.Mole-Barc,that there have
been several recent sightings,in Zalmer library,of
a ghostly horse and rider.The rider,nicknamed
'The Grey Lady' is heard to shout "Ulay,Ulay,Ulay"
in a strange high pitched voice,before fading into
nothingness. Mrs. Mole-Barc says" We must do
something to put this poor suffering creature out
of her misery" and is thinking of bringing in an
exorcist.

Ghost of a Chance
.........................
Following the U.K.'s failure,for the second year running,
at the Eurovision Song Contest we understand that next
year an all out effort to regain our musical prestige will
ensure that Derek Bailey,14 Downs Road,London E5.8DS,
must carry the nations hopes and fears.
Incorporating popular features from this years contest,
Derek will be accompanied on stilts by his partner Karen,
who will deliver a rap celebrating European unity. Also
on stage will be Derek's long time associate,Butoh dancer
Min Tanaka,who will not perform in the nude as usual,
but will be dressed in leather and do the twist.
Derek says "Sing,sing sing,sing,sing." And so do we.

(for an unadorned Min, go to page 1, google:images).

A little night music
..........................
at the corner of Nothing and Something we heard
a hand organ in twilight playing like hell.
(e.e.cummings)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.111 - Brief Encounters

2004-05-20T03:17:00.000+01:00

Mattina (Morning)
..........................

M'illumino
d'immenso

(Giuseppe Ungaretti)

Brief Encounter
..........................
On one occasion a man went to work & on the way he
met another man who,having bought a loaf of Polish bread,
was wending his way home.
And that's just about all there is to it.
(Daniil Kharms)

CD Review - Travelling Miles by Cassandra Wilson
...................................................................
Crap. Too many notes.

The Doors of Perception
...................................
It was Monday morning. The train drew up.The doors opened.
But that's another story.

Derek Says
...............
Quintessence

Truculent Rustics
.........................
Sean- mojo workin' -Goddard has paid me to tell you that
his book is now available at £1.25; The Morris Tradition:
Morris dances of England. Added bonus, no pics of S.G.

Whore & Peace
.......................
Always when I was a boy
I would play here & there.
I used to put on my favorite vest
And ride a chestnut horse with a white nose.

Today I spent the evening drinking
amid the peach blossoms by the river.
Returning home, I have lost my way.Where am I ?
Laughing,I find myself next to the brothel.
(Ryokan)

Briefs Encounter
.......................
Elvis's underpants are worth c.£800 at auction.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.110 - For the Record

2004-05-13T03:18:00.000+01:00

Derek Says
................
10% extra free

***************

When a lovely woman stoops to folly and
Paces about her room again,alone,
She smooths her hair with automatic hand,
And puts a record on the gramophone.
(T.S.Eliot - The Waste Land)

Scent by Derek
......................
We recently spent an agreeable few hours at the monthly
Record Fair in the Brighton Centre located on the Seafront.
Where else would you go to get away from the sunshine
and the barbaric hordes? Mind you,it's hard work. When
you enter,the noise & the sheer scale of it is pretty over-
whelming, with hundreds of stalls stacked with CD's,vinyl
& books and each generating its own 'noise', reggae,rock
pop & jazz all combining to make a Wall of Sound that
would make Phil Spector proud .
We made our way to the 'cheapo' stall on the ground floor.
This really was exhausting,with all the pushing & shoving,
elbows in the ribs,stamping on toes - and that was just me
trying to hold my ground! It takes about an hour to carefully
sort through the general dross(who listens to this stuff?)
and uncover some interesting gems. Where else would you
get nine CD's for under a fiver?
But the highlight of the day was coming across a Derek
Bailey LP from the 1970's. Although I wasn't going to pay
the £30 asking price,it was rather wonderful to take in its
slightly musty smell,run the fingers over the smooth card-
board and read the liner notes without needing a magnifying
glass.
Actually there was one bummer amongst the CD's I bought,
so if anyone is looking for music to accompany Satanic Rituals,
I can probably cut you a good deal.

Blue Suede
...............
Elvis's shoe size was 11D

Why?
........
Whilst browsing in 'Across the Tracks' looking for 'Songs for a
blue guitar' by Red House Painters, I unexpectedly came across
a recording by Bud Tristano,the son of legendary jazz pianist
Lennie Tristano. Why does this mean so much to me & so
little to you,why does Jamie Cullen think he's a jazz singer,
why does the U.S. think it's only just lost the moral high ground
when it's previously killed many thousands of civilians without
apology,why can't I visualise the square root of minus one when
apparantly it's the only thing holding the universe together,
why are there no fields of asphodel this side of the grave ?
Why,why,why?

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.109 - Be Still My Beating Heart

2004-05-06T03:18:00.000+01:00

I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion
Stop before you start
Be still my beating heart.
(Sting - Nothing like the sun)

Heart Beat(why do you miss when my baby disses me?)
.............................................................................
True! nervous, very,very dreadfully nervous I had been
but why WILL you say that I am MAD? The disease had
sharpened my senses, not destroyed,not dulled them.
How DID the idea enter my HEAD? I had passed the
book on the shelf many times but lately had felt the EVIL
power eminating from it. What was THIS book?
'THE EVIL EYE' - it made my blood run cold & I made up
my mind to destroy IT for the sake of my peace of MIND.
Many times, late at night I went to destroy the wicked
TOME, only to find it removed from its place. MIGHTY
sorry I felt for the poor SOULS entrapped by its devlish
ALLURE.
And then, after many weeks I saw it THERE, with its
aura of TERROR. Waiting until there were no witnesses
(You SEE how sane I am) I removed the book & savagely
ripped it to pieces.
Unfortunately at that moment my mobile phone rang ,
filling the library with "I left my heart in San Francisco."
While I was telling MY dear wife that I was in the library
ripping a book to shreds (you see I AM perfectly normal)
I perceived the sound of approaching FEET.Was this an
ACOLYTE of the EYE?
With one mighty bound SHE leapt clear over the bookstack
and started chanting the library regulations at ME, in a most
terrifying manner,CAUSING my heart to race ever FASTER ,
and before I was able to CONFESS,my heart, it EXPLODED.

The book has been repaired and sits on the shelf although
everyone approaching swears that they hear the muffled
sound of a BEATING HEART.

(Regards to Edgar Allan Poe & The Tell-Tale Heart and to Mr Holly)

Derek Says
...............
..this is a high risk business.

Be still my beating heart
...................................
....The cobra handler is joined by an assistant with a metal dish,
a small white cup,a pitcher of rice wine and a pair of scissors.
The two men pick up the cobra, fully extending him;the handler
holds him behind the jaws, while the assistant keeps him
stretched just ahead of the tail. With his free hand,the handler
takes the scissors, inserts a blade into the cobra's chest and
snips out the heart, a rush of dark red blood spilling into the
metal dish as he does so. Everyone is pleased. The waiters and
busboys relax. The blood is poured into a glass and mixed with
a little rice wine. And the heart, a Chiclet-sized oysterlike organ,
still beating, is placed gently into the small white cup and
offered to me.
It's still pumping, a tiny pink-and-white object, moving up and
down at a regular pace in a small pool of blood at the bottom
of the cup.I bring it to my lips, tilt my head back and swallow.
It's like a little Olympia oyster - a hyperactive one. I give it one
light chew,but the heart still beats...and beats.All the way
down. The taste? Not much of one. My pulse is racing too
much to notice. I take a long swig of the blood and wine
mixture,enjoying it, not bad at all - like the juice from a rare
roast beef - robust, but with just a slight hint of reptile.
(A Cook's Tour - in search of the perfect meal by Anthony
Bourdain)

Heart- breaker for a ball-breaker
............................................
" 14 heart-attacks & he had to die in MY week."
(Janis Joplin when Eisenhower's death pushed
her off the cover of Newsweek.)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)l

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.109 - Derek's Apprentice

2004-04-29T03:22:00.000+01:00

Derek's Defence
.......................
Facing a world that is unintelligable & problematic,
our task is clear: we must make that world even
more unintelligable,even more enigmatic.
(The Murder of the Real - Baudrillard)

Bailey Groupie Confesses: "I did it his way!"
............................................................
We are very fortunate to have recorded an interview with
the fabulous Mimeograph(aka Mim'e-O, aka Sandra Po Ding),
following the sellout success of her 2 albums 'Songs from the
Nella' & 'Derek Bailey's Apprentice' on Banality Records, for which
she has been nominated for the prestigeous Turner Prize (Ike &
Tina) for the best Slow No Tune. The interviewer was Rabid Leek.

Rabid: So let's talk about your long standing music career.How
did it all begin?
Mim: Well, it was in the summer of '69 or was it 2002? I can't
remember.There was a lot going on. I'd been taking e (echinacea)
& I was beginning to feel like I was sweating flowers.I was becoming
SO unpleasant. And then one day I just turned to my friend Al and
said "I am music." I burned a £10 note with an apple balanced on
top and ran into the shadows. When I emerged 2st lighter I was a
changed person. Despite my mind numbing job I was hot & 'Songs
from the Nella' just fell out - I'm lucky - some people have IT-you
know, the Thing - I have IT.
Rabid: Yes,we hear that many admirers shout "Have It" when you're
out chillin' the streets.
Mim: Well,yes, of course!! They just can't get enough.
Rabid: So now we move on to 'Dereks Bailey's Apprentice' - who is
Derek?
Mim: Well it was one of those winter nights y'know,when all you can
think about is cheese,cheese,cheese & potatoes & it suddenly occured
to me,that Bailey man,he's onto something.He's been my inspiration for
years.His deafness & skill on the guitar often leaves me speechless &
uncomprehending.Experimental incidental dental! 'Apprentice' follows
'Nella' like 'The Locomotion' followed 'I should be so lucky'. A perfect
transition: it's all about timing.
Rabid: What was going through your mind during the recording?
Mim: Biscuits and horse shoes.
Rabid: What's your approach to music? Your latest has a post modernist
structuralist moralist sadist feel to it. Am I right?
Mim: No Rabid - you can't label it. It's nameless. I just let it go,y'know,
like Derek. He just won't go the same place twice,man.Sloppy seconds.
I just wind myself up & off I go - pushing into new spaces between the
notes.Gorgeous. Just like Des O'Connor. Life in the Quiet zone.Playing
catchup.Tom O'Connor,too. Man,when I think of these men I feel I'm
shifting into a whole different state of being.Legends,man.
Rabid: You're also a leading activist in the Anti-Shoetrapping-Pseudo-
Hippy-Yoghurt-Weaver Movement?
Mim: Man, we all have to give something back to the community.
Rabid: One last question, you do go on a bit don't you?
Mim: Yeah man...right on..... & on & on & on...
(Watch out for 'Hard Shoe Shuffle',an experimental album where
Mim'E-O plays around with a lot of old cobblers.)

Derek Says
...............
Ah! listen to that, the guitar:
the e-l-e-c-t-r-i-c guitar; a
lovers instrument...

Pete Townsend Says
.............................
I may go far
If I smash my guitar

Warped & Wefted
..........................
So the Turin Shroud gives another two fingers to the
sceptics. No doubt some genius will say that Leonardo
Da Vinci had secretly split the atom and was producing
images from radioactive rays or he had utilised sun-spot
activity or blah blah blah....
We are now at liberty to reveal Derek Bailey's part in
this intriguing drama.
During the recent investigations, the second image
remained undiscovered until one of the scientists played
a Derek Bailey CD. Immediately everyone started speaking
in tongues and strange prophesies issued from the Shroud.
When word had got around ,a crowd gathered outside and
the scientists walked amongst them ,distributing five CDs and
two LPs. Amazingly everyone of the 5000 crowd received
something! Many strange things happen as a result of Derek's
music.If everyone of them were written down,I suppose that
even the whole world would not have room for the books that
would be written.

And talking of books
............................
Ben Watson's biography of Derek will definitely be published
by Verso in July.Shop early for Christmas.

It happened to me : It could happen to you (1)
..............................................................
Whilst walking I was approached by a middle-aged
man who advised me that it had stopped raining
and then walked off.

D.E.A.F. Bulletin (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.108 - All trained up & nowhere to go

2004-04-22T03:20:00.000+01:00

"It's all to do with the training: you can do a lot if you're
properly trained." (Queen Elizabeth the Second)

Reluctant Hero (1)
..........................
Picture this: you have entered a darkened room,you have
noticed not only the barbed wire round the windows but
also the instruments of torture scattered round the Iron
Maiden which stands in the corner.
Outside the door stands a tall guard, dressed in black leather.
The logo across his chest reads 'Property of Training Dept.'

Never forget that it was your wish to be here,you
volunteered, you signed the application form .

Picture this: emerging from the gloom, two wraith-like
creatures, speaking in unison. "Welcome to training.
This is our world. Welcome to it." Their gaze is
terrible. When the cackling has stopped they speak
again, with those awful,awful words.
"Who is going to be the first volunteer ?"
(continued below)

Annihilate,Annihilate
............................
The object of knowledge is the annihilation of the world.
(Fredrich Nietzsche)

Nuremberg Trials
........................
The Iron Maiden of Nuremberg was a metal tomb-sized
container shaped like a woman,with two faces, front &
back.The front face had an expression of amusement
whilst at the back the eyes were closed and the mouth
looked as if about to speak. On the inside of the door
were spikes. As the prisoner was shut inside he was
pierced along the length of his body. The spikes were
designed not to kill outright but to inflict maximum pain.

Derek Says
...............
A cup of tea

Reluctant Hero (2)
..........................

ARCY: What are you doing ?
HAND: I thought I'd go for a stretch.
ARCY: Get down at once, they'll think I'm volunteering.
HAND: It's nice up here. I can see everybody.Wish there
were other hands I could talk to.
ARCY: Get down now,you know what Dad always said,
"Son,don't volunteer for anything."
HAND: Look, we're being invited to the front.
ARCY: You've done it now . I'm not going !
HAND: I'll come back down ,you'll need me to point at
the blackboard while you talk to all these people.
ARCY: Bastard !

Arcy gets up & moves reluctantly to the front,clears throat
and realises too late that he's wearing the wrong glasses
and can't see anyone..

Moulded in Time
.......................
"If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread,they can sure
make something out of you."
(Muhammed Ali)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.107 - Up Country

2004-04-16T11:38:00.000+01:00

Country Music - What Do The Great & the Good Say
........................................................................
If country music be the food of love is this a dagger
I see before me? (Bill Swampman Shakespeare)

You just pick a chord, go twang and you've
got country music. (Yodelling Sid Vicious)

Ask not what your country music can do for you-
ask what you can do for your country music.
(Johnny Snakeskin Kennedy)

Country Matters
.......................
This week we have a special treat for our readers.
Janet 'Yee-ha' Slapey has given up her valuable time
researching brain-washing techniques for a major
institution to review a CD for us. Janet is an authority
on country music and writes in a leading journal.
She has chosen to discuss for us a recent reissue
entitled "Jimmie Rodgers and the Hillbilly Appalachian
Bluegrass Pheasant Pluckers 1888/9.
"Howdy pardners - most folks think that in country
music the corn is as high as an elephants eye.But
I knows different. When I received this CD,the first
thang I noticed was how purdy it was,all shiny and
ev'rythang . Girls,it's ideal for putting on your lippy
and keepin' your cowboy hot. And then,the perfect
roundyness! Lordy, it sure made this gal think of crop
circles,castrating bulls and Pythagoras.
Did you know that Pythagoras was kickin' around at
the same time as ol' Buddha? And that he was the
first son -of- a- gun to call his self a phil-os-o-pher.
The circle was real special to him; like the Cosmos
and the soul it go'd on fer ever. And that ol' Buddha
guy noo a thang or three when he said "Tame
the bull and ride it home". I fell flat on my lil' ol'
fanny last time I tried !
And plumb square in the centre is a real neat itsy
bitsy hole. Have you ever noticed how doggone
different the world looks when you view it through
a hole? Jes you try it - hot diggitty !"

(Janet - the music ?? Ed.)

"The music ? It's crappier than a crosseyed catfish.
Jimmie Rodgers was only two years old. Every one
knows that, like Mozart, he didn't become a genius
till he wus fower. And that's all I have to say 'bout that.
(dedicated to staff trainers,everywhere)

Country Goes West
............................
The country singer was being interviewed.
"It seemed to me,after fifteen years, that I was
absolutely hopeless and had no talent."
"So what did you do, give up ?" said the interviewer.
"Oh no !" replied the singer, "By that time I was much
too famous."

Coda
........
Mrs.Scrotum: Have a nice day dear?
Dr.Scrotum: No, it was bad, real bad.
Mrs.S: Not another one!
Dr.S: Today I listened to a country CD called
'The songs of Jimmie Rodgers - A tribute.'
Mrs.S: Goodness, you have had it tough !
Dr.S: And that's not all. I liked a couple of tracks !!
Mrs.S: Oh dear. Well, they say it comes to us all.
While I'm making a nice cup of cocoa why don't
you put your Derek Bailey records out for the
dustman and then we can look at this funeral plan.
Dr.S: Right you are dear.
(Big Up to Mary Chapin Carpenter & Alisson Krauss,
but is Iris Dement for real !?)

Derek Didn't Say
.......................
Ukulele means 'jumping flea' in Hawaiian.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.106 - Blood and Politics, Easter 2004

2004-04-07T11:25:00.000+01:00

From the vantage point of 1999, when a Labour prime minister declaredthe class war to be at an end, it is striking that two of the outstandingpoets of the last 30 years,Tony Harrison & Douglas Dunn, have devotedmuch of their best imaginative energy to demonstrating otherwise.

(Sean O'Brien)

V
....
The supermarket made him feel embarrassed.When people bought whole lambs for family freezershe bought baked beans from checkout girls too harassedto smile or swap a joke with sad old geezers.
(Tony Harrison)
Political Animal - The Reply
....................................
"I do understand your concerns about Council Tax rises.With my colleagues I am continuing to make representationsto central government about the need for more funding tohelp Brighton & Hove City Council run the services on whichwe all depend.
I am relieved,however,to see that the likely increase in the Council Tax for next year is something like half the amountabout which the local papers were speculating.As you might know,the Government is currently reviewingthe whole question of funding for local councils and it isexpected that during this year proposals to change thatsystem in order to make it fairer wil be published. I certainly think a change in the system is needed.
Yours Sincerely David Lepper MP."

Envoi
.........
"Thank you for your reply.My letter was complaining about the tax itself, not the rise. If you think I'm goingto be overjoyed at a rise four times the cost of living,on a tax I'm already struggling to pay, well ...........! As far as I can see, the Government thinks it's only pensioners who have a problem or is it their voting power that they are frightened of? Anyway,thanks for replying and happy Easter."
(sent by e-mail)
Now let's see what Gordon Brown has to say.

Urban Haiku
.................
Feel
Trapped?
(seen on telephone box)

Confucius Say : Don't Get Tangoed
.................................................
In the 14th year, Confucius, being then 56, tookthe office of minister, killed Shao-Cheng-Mao andtook charge of the government. After 3 monthsLu was exceedingly well governed. The people ofCh'i sent dancing girls to Lu so as to hinder thepolitical reforms.....(from the tablets at Chufu Temple,Shantung)

Type AB
............
We recently saw "The Passion of the Christ".Anyone wanting an intelligent, and more tothe point, an informed review of this filmwill do no better than Tom Aitken in the TLS 26/3/04. All the others I've read weresimply too ill informed to put pen to paperwith any credibility.
The scene where Mary anxiously mops upthe blood after the flogging puzzled me. However it turns out that Jewish belief atthe time was that the soul resided in the blood.
Happy Easter.
D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.105 - Whistle while you work

2004-04-02T03:52:00.000+01:00

We work in the dark - we do what we can -
we give what we have.Our doubt is our passion
and our passion is our task.
(Henry James)

Work Song
................
Breaking rocks out here on the chain gang
Breaking rocks & serving my time
Breaking rocks out here on the chain gang

I heard the judge say five years
On the chain gang you gonna go
I heard the judge say five years labour
I heard my old man scream "Lordy no."
(sung by Nina Simone)

It's Official:Training is crap
.....................................
MRS. SCROTUM: Have a nice day dear?
DR.SCROTUM: Yes thanks,went on a training course.
Spent a lot of time looking at a pile of shite.
MRS.S: Excuse me! Wasn't that rather unhygenic?
DR.S: No, it was only a picture. They said it was dirt
but I know shite when I see it!
MRS.S: Dare I ask?
DR.S: Well, the shite was a metaphor for responsibility
and stress. We had to work out what to do with it to
make our lives better. They said we should spread some
over our friends and family.
MRS.S: Haven't our friends and family got enough of their
own? If we dump on them they will want to dump on us
and then where would we be?These people training you,
are they qualified?
DR.S: Oh yes, they're really intelligent. However one thing
got up my nose. I suggested the strategy of learning to
love your shite and when they summed up they passed
right over my idea without comment.
Mrs.S: What a cheek! Never mind dear, you're definitely
my champion of shite.
DR.S: And what's more, there was a study some years ago
of people who had suffered long term pain and were then
cured. They all became depressed because overcoming pain
had given meaning to their lives.
MRS.S: That's enough shite for one evening dear. Let's settle
back and watch Footballers' Wives.

The Oldest Profession
.................................
A surgeon,an engineer & a software programmer were sitting in a
bar discussing which of them worked in the oldest profession.The
surgeon pointed out that if God had made Eve from Adam's rib he
must have used surgery, so his was the oldest profession. The
engineer disagreed & pointed out that,in the Bible,it says that God
created order from chaos & that required engineering,so his was
clearly the oldest profession.
"Ah" said the programmer,"but who do you think created the chaos?"

A Very Clever Man, A Very Very......
..................................................
If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient
who considered his work important.
(Bertrand Russell)

Derek Didn't Play
.........................
Nice work if you can get it

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

No 104 - A Man for all Seasons

2004-03-26T03:45:00.000Z

Victor Mature
....................
Friend: Hi Vic, fancy getting pissed?
Victor: No thanks.

A man for all seasons
.............................
Like most of his gentle readers, Dr. Scrotum had read about
the research carried out by Stephen Whitehead, who after 15
years, has come to the conclusion that men fit into 37 distinct
types. Scrotum wondered if it was abnormal to continually
change from one type to another. Each morning, when he was
trying to find matching socks, he became Neaderthal-man(anti-
feminist,with outdated views on relationships). In front of the
computer he was Zebedee-man (floundering & confused) and
at work he was Chamelman( smooth & adaptable but never
the man you thought he was). During sport he was definitely
Alpha-man(very competitive) unless he was losing, in which case
he became Mr. Angry.
Being asked to clean out the fridge turned him into Sigmund-
man (lots of inner angst & low self esteem), whilst watching
'Sex in the City' transformed him into Manchild (ageing stud,
with rich tastes & little dignity).
And ,of course, talking about Derek Bailey exposed his Preacher-
man to all & sundry.
So who's counted the many faces of Eve? Let me count
the ways ..........

For Romancer-man
..........................
I'm in love, on a rainbow I'm riding,
I'm in love & my dreams have come true.
Crazily,wildly,enraptured, I'm finding
That I'm in love with you.
(Barbara Cartland - one of her Desert Island Discs,
sung by her daughter).

Derek Says
................
The Legend of the Blood Yeti

New Testament
..........................
The bullet holes make a disagreeable pattern across the wall
of the flat Nicol Williamson rents from a sheikh in the Via
Dolorosa within the walls of the Old City.The prophet Isaiah
once lived down the road. Directly across from the flat is
Pontius Pilate's courtyard where Jesus was sentenced.
Williamson stands on the roof in the darkness under a star-
crossed heaven. He looks around at the skyline of The Holy
City, the Dome of the Rock(where Solomon built his temple)
dominating the mosques,churches,cypresses & the rows of
TV aerials,and he mutters, "Extraordinary. It shifts your guts."
(Sydney Edwards - Evening Standard)

the Mojo Fins
...................
warmly invite you to an evening of beautifully crafted guitar pop
& harmonious melodies at the Pressure Point Brighton,Sunday
7.30pm (with Turncoat & Winteria).
Also checkout the Argus on Saturday 27/3 for an article & photo!!

And Lastly
..............
"I believe that people would be alive today if there were a
death penalty."
(Nancy Reagan)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.103 - On the Edge

2004-03-19T03:50:00.000Z

I sing on the blunt & sharp edge
of all mysterious edges....
(Jayne Cortez)

On the cutting edge
.............................
Mrs. D'Arcy, tastefully dressed in a gown gaily decorated with
'Hospital Property', was waiting to go 'up' to surgery. Bill and
Ben the Trolley Men appeared, beer-bellied and tattooed,both
looking as if, before long, they would be climbing onto their
own trollies to go 'up' there. But these were no slouches. We
zoomed through wards, doors and lifts until we came to rest
among busy nurses and bleeping equipment.

Arcy found himself standing outside the hospital. What could
he do to chill out for the next few hours? Perhaps the N.H.S.
should offer to anesthetise worried relatives. He decided to go
to Brighton Museum & Art Gallery. It was quiet and warm and
he could listen to his new Derek Bailey CD.
Once inside he found his favourite painting, of Lazarus rising
from the dead, but when he switched on his Walkman, Lazarus
appeared to change his mind and descended back into the tomb.
Possibly he was a Country & Western sort of a guy!
Moving hurriedly upstairs to the Contemporary Gallery, Arcy came
upon one of the strangest pieces, by Anthony Caro, constructed
of scrap metal and made specifically to rest on the edge of a table.
Arcy had the feeling that the music & the sculpture were vibrating
in the same space; real heavy metal music.

The exhibition of wood-block prints & metalwork by Andrew Mockett
& Jon Mills was fun. The large print of a lilly pond & goldfish was
gorgeous and so was the pop-art print of a bubblegum wrapper,
which took Arcy back to his school tuck-shop days. Of the metal-
work he enjoyed the enormous 'Pylon', complete with birds, even
if it nodded towards Paul Klee's 'Twittering Machine'. The 'Stickman'
surely owed much to Tolkien's Ents and the steel 'Modular Cupboard'
looked more like an alien guitar.

Back at the hospital everything had gone well, Mrs. D'Arcy now high
as a kite on morphine - was this the time to introduce her to Derek?

Derek Says
...............
Domestic Melodies : Grains of Paradise

Spaced-out & Howdied
.................................
The first Country & Western singer to be heard in outer space
was Merle Haggard, whose music was played by astronaut
Charles Duke on Apollo 16 in 1972.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.102 - Birthday Letters

2004-03-11T03:49:00.000Z

Mission Accomplished
................................
Dr. Scrotum stumbled out of bed. He had a vague recollection that it was a
significant day.
Perhaps the balloon with 15 on it, hanging from the bedroom door was a clue.
He started
to get confused when, in the bathroom, he encountered a balloon with 60 on
it. Scrotum
sought solace with his computer only to discover messages congratulating him
on reaching
100. He knew he had been feeling jaded lately but was a telegram from her
Ma'am-ness
really going to pop through the door any minute?
Fortunately, after his medication and a coffee,all became clear and in a
birthday glow he
started unpacking and connecting his new and rather wonderful 'Mission'
speakers . While
testing them he became aware that, despite playing music he liked, he was
able to treat it
purely as informational sound, being conscious only of balance/bass/treble.
Once the testing
was over the sound turned back to music : wine to water, water back to wine
- a miracle!
Scrotum knew the brain had been hotwired for music for a very long time,
Neanderthals
made flutes from reindeer bone, but he found it interesting that we still
retained the ability
to backtrack down the evolutionary path when it was advantageous. Any of our
ancesters
too enraptured by the ambience of an approaching wolf pack would have been
in trouble!
So while he sat back and enjoyed his new Derek Bailey, one last thought
crossed his mind
- in the presence of such genius why do so many listeners revert to a
pre-Neanderthal state?
(Thank you Anne,Emma,Jon,Dan)

Derek Says
.................
The baptised traveller

Birthday Letters
........................
We were comforted by wolves.
Under that February moon and the moon of March
The zoo had come close.
And in spite of the city
Wolves consoled us.Two or three times each night.
For minutes on end
They sang. They had found where we lay.
(Ted Hughes from' Birthday Letters')

New Orleans
....................
did not have many paved streets then,so it was easy to get stuck in the mud.
In the summer,when it was hot and dry and sultry, the dust whipped into
your face and you could smell the dead in the cemetary.
(Thanks Jon - A New History of Jazz)

Great Ball of Fire
.........................
Anaxagoras got his ideas about the composition of the Sun when a meteorite
fell near Aegospotami. The meteorite was red hot and it came from the sky so
Anaxagoras reasoned that it had come from the Sun and as it was iron, the
Sun
must be a red-hot ball of iron.
(Thanks Al Superfish - from 'Science,A History')

The Matthew Herbert Big Band
............................................
Tickets for the above have been received.We looked the band up on the www.
"Sheer brilliance as he samples,filters and distorts the band as they play."
"The son of a BBC engineer,Herbert was just another bedroom knob twister.."
(Thanks Jess)

The Sorcerers Apprentice
.....................................
We have also received the beautifully produced limited edition CD 'derek
bailey's
apprentice' by mimeograph on banality records.No doubt this will play a big
part
in the forthcoming Derek Bailey Event at Sussex University.
(Thank you Rabid Leak)

And finally, thanks to all those misguided enough to send good wishes.
You want another 100 ?!

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.101 - Going Cuckoo

2004-03-04T03:46:00.000Z

Inglan is a bitch
.......................
w'en mi jus' come to Landan toun
mi use to work pan di andahgroun
but workin' pan di andahgroun
y'u don't get fi know your way aroun'

mi get a lickle jab in a big 'otell
an' awftah a while,mi woz doin' quite well
dem staat mi aaf as a dish-washah
but w'en mi tek a stack,mi noh tun clack-watchah!

w'en dem gi' you di lickle wage packit
fus dem rab it wid dem big tax rackit
y'u haffi struggle fi mek en's meet
an' w'en y'u goh a y'u bed y'u jus' cant sleep
(Linton Kwesi Johnson)

Going Cuckoo
....................
Dr.Scrotum stood by the railway track, peering up
the line through the early morning mist. Faintly
penetrating the music on his earphones, a voice
unreassuringly confirmed that "today 95% of trains
were no more than 5 minutes late." It was the same
message each morning.
He was listening, in a non-listening sort of way, to
Brian Eno's 'Shutov Assembly' a collection of quiet
ambient pieces. His attention was focussed on the
music when it became extremely quiet with a hint
of birdsong but he became suspicious when the
sound of a cuckoo loudly intruded. Looking up into
the tree behind he saw (and heard) a cuckoo.
Whilst this wasn't exactly ' as beautiful as a chance
meeting on a dissecting table of a sewing machine
and an umbrella' it was enough, just for a second,
to shake him off The Great Treadmill , so Scrotum was
grateful. Imagine how grateful he was when he noticed,
standing next to him, a young lady with a pale green face.
According to Chinese theatrical tradition a green face signifies
a strong hero so he decided to stay close just in case the train
was derailed.
Obviously it was that sort of a morning. "Things happen in threes"
some people believe. In that case, when the doors of the
approaching train slid back, would he find all the passengers
doing the hokey cokey and the guard stripped off to the waist
doing a belly dance ?
The loudspeaker crackled into life. "You put your left leg out,your...

(big up to Comte de Lautreamont & Cuculus Canorus)

Derek Says
...............
The rule of three

Nature Watch
....................
Cuckoos are protected due to declining numbers.
They place single eggs into approximately 25 nests,
sometimes laying the egg on the ground and then
carrying it up to the nest.

Urban Haiku
.................
Support the hunger str-----
Simon Az--
43 days without f---

(weather-worn poster)

Uncaged
.............
It's useless to play lullabies for those who cannot sleep .
(John Cage)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletins Nos.98 & 99 - Fast Track To 100

2004-02-28T03:47:00.000Z

Derek Says
................
Visions/

The Squirrel & the Rickety Rackety Bridge

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.100 - Fifteen Candles
*********************************
You think it horrible that lust and rage
Should dance attention upon my old age;
They were not such a plague when I was young
What else have I to spur me into song?
(W.B.Yates)

Fifteen Candles
************
By a strange freak of fate, issue 100 coincides with
D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T's fifteenth birthday(on 29/2).
Long suffering readers should know that he owes it all
to the serendipity of nature,
to the black hole at the centre of our galaxy,
to the atomic weight of helium,
and a daily banana.

Tiger,Tiger
*********
When Confucius went to Ch'i he passed by T'ai Shan
and heard a woman weeping bitterly.He spoke to her.
The woman said "My mother's brother was killed by a
tiger and my husband and my son were also killed by
tigers." "Why don't you go away ?" said Confucius.
"There is no cruel government here" the woman replied.
Confucius says "Bad government is fiercer than tigers."

Health Warning
************
Reports are coming in which seem to confirm that listening
to the same piece of music twice is damaging to your musical
health.

Derek Says
*********
One old one / What now?

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

DE.A.F. Bulletin No.97 - Political Animal

2004-02-20T03:48:00.000Z

Spring : trees flying up to their birds.
(Paul Celan)

in time of daffodiles(who know
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why,remember how

in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so (forgetting seem)
(e e cummings)

Political Animal
....................
Recently I wrote to my M.P.(Labour) regarding council tax
and the fact that it takes no account of ability to pay.He
was left in no doubt that I had no intention of voting for
him unless something was done. So it was nice when,after
a week, a yellow envelope with 'House of Commons' on
the front arrived. His assistant tells me that "We shall be in
touch again as soon as possible."
No doubt the next envelope will be brown but I shall nevertheless
divulge the contents to my gentle readers.

Hanging out with Janis
................................
"One minute into this performance and she's not wearing her
heart on her sleeve : all her internal organs are draped over
her body like a hideous new skin. Blood seeps through her
pores, stigmata break out all over, making signs no one can
read".
(Greil Marcus on Janis Joplin singing "Ball & Chain" at
Monterey '96.)

Urban Haiku
.................
Discreet Pampering
Elegant Busty Brunette
Free Parking
(Friday AD)

Derek Says
................
More nipples

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)