D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.194 - The Winds of Change

World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural.I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.
(Louis MacNeice)

Fenollosa hated the notion of a sentence,
because nature has no full stops.
(Untwisting the Serpent - D.Albright)
.
The Winds of Change
...............................
(This personal reminiscence, as will become obvious,is purely factual,
although to protect the innocent,the names of the guilty remain
unchanged.)

One day many moons ago,on a day nearly lost in the mists of time,
I felt a light tap on the shoulder.It was Helen."I'm very disappointed in
you"said Helen. My heart sank.She continued,"On Friday the 10th of June
at 11.44 you made a mistake.Look,it's here on the computer printout.
That's two mistakes you've made this year! Naturally I was devastated.
Helen however was very kind.She let me sit in the rest room to recover,
after removing my shoe laces and any sharp pointy objects.
Nine years later,the winds of change were blowing .The library was a very
windy place. Helen had gone but Cath said "Maggie wants to see you in
her office ASAP."
I climbed up to the second floor,knocked on the door and went in. The
sun was shining through the window and the scent of nail varnish hung in
the air.I sat down.
"I've an important question to ask you" said Maggie, "the future of the
library may hang on your answer."
" Does it matter if we make mistakes??"

(To be continued)

History is a trick the living play on the dead.
(Voltaire)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.193 - Hilary makes me do it again!

But to have done
instead of not doing
this is not vanity.
(Ezra Pound - Canto LXXX1)

Enlarge my life with multitude of days
In health,in sickness,thus the suppliant prays;
Hides from himself his state and shuns to know,
That life protracted is protracted woe.
(Samuel Johnson)

Having your cake and eating it
..........................................

D'Arcy - Happy unbirthday bruv.How old?

Arcy - Thanks.If you must know I'm 15 1/2.

D'Arcy - At your time of life it must be a struggle.
How are you coping?

Arcy - Bruv, the sap is rising,definitely rising.

D'Arcy - Cor! You must have seen a few things
in your time. Got any tips for a long and
fruitful life?

Arcy - Yes bruv. Don't go to Iraq.
And listen to lots of Derek Bailey.

D'Arcy - Get any good presents?

Arcy - Yeah,you bet! I got an I.O.U. from the missus
and a DVD of 1944. Magic! Anytime I want to
chill- out I can watch the Allies bomb the shit
out of the Germans.

D'Arcy - Wicked!

Arcy - Yeah,can't wait to be 15 3/4!

Makes you think
.......................
The five female victims of Jack the Ripper
all had their throats cut from left to right.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.192 - The Artful Bodger

Bad art is worse than no art at all.
(Oscar Wilde)

Painting for Dummies
..............................
Distant people have no eyes
Distant trees have no branches
Distant mountains have no rocks
These are the secrets

In stones one sees three faces
In paths one sees two ends
In water one sees the wind's footprints
These are the methods
(Wang Wei (701-761) - Secrets of the study of Painting)

Making a visual display of myself
............................................
There have been many fine tributes to Derek Bailey,(slightly
strange considering the 'outsider' nature of his music),and
should you wish to see mine, click here:
http://deafprat.blogspot.com/2006/01/db-collages.html
(click on images to enlarge)
The gent in the top middle of the picture is Anton Webern,who
was a large influence on Bailey (and on all European avant-garde
composers of the 50's and 60's). Anton looks rather glum
due to the fact that he was accidentally shot in 1945 by an
American soldier. Min Tanaka is on the right (with Derek in the
background) strutting his stuff through a violent thunderstorm.
The cubist guitar at the centre is of course by Picasso. Although
this was made in 1912 it will undoubtedly still appear avant-garde
to many in 2006, which is a sad comment on the state of art
education.
This collage was originally done as a comment on Derek's tenacity
of purpose when he relearned the guitar following what he thought
was carpal tunnel syndrome.His death turns the piece into
something quite different.However I've decided to keep the same
title,which still seems strangely appropriate; " Take My Hand,I'm a
Stranger in Paradise"

The Little Flowers of St Derek
..........................................
A student asked Mr Bailey "What is improvisation?"
In reply Mr Bailey struck him on the head.However
the student struck back. Mr Bailey said "There is a
reason in your striking me,but there is no reason
in my striking you." The student was silent,where-
upon Mr Bailey struck him again and chased him
from the room.

Stairway to Heaven
............................
"I used to play to nobody at the Little Theatre Club.
Anyway,when you've carted an amplifier up four flights
of stairs you're not going to not play,right?"

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

db collages

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.191 - Moonshine Sonatas

Quit
now.

Cascade your promises
like unfulfilled
stars.

(from Flame Ode -Barry MacSweeny)

Dark Days
..............
"Eighty year-old John Catt served with the RAF in the Second World War.
Last September he was stopped by Brighton police for wearing an 'offensive'
T-shirt which suggested that Bush and Blair be tried for war-crimes.He was
arrested under the Terrorism Act and handcuffed. He is awaiting trial."
(John Pilger)

No Place Like Home
............................
"One summer ten years ago,when I taught at Princeton,a large spider
appeared in the urinal of the men's room near the Philosophy department.
It was trapped and spent much time trying to avoid the periodic flush.
Somehow it survived,presumably feeding on tiny insects and was still
there with the arrival of Winter.Feeling sorry for the creature one day,
I removed it to a safe spot. The next day I found it in the same place,
his legs shrivelled in that way characteristic of dead spiders.The corpse
stayed there for a week,until they finally swept the floor."
(The View From Nowhere - Thomas Nagel)

The Tell-Tale Heart
...........................

Unenlightened detective: "How did you know there was a woman in the room?"

Blind Zen Master: "Obvious! I heard your heart beating faster."
(Mr Monk vs.the Cobra - BBC 2)

Eroic Gestures
.....................

SILAS: "Ludwig, my name's Silas I.Podmeister, Chairman,Verging Records.
In case you're wondering, we've brought you back from the dead. Our recent
survey in California indicates that two out of every three citizens think
you are
the British PM. So we intend to raise your profile and make us ,I mean you,
lots
of money."

BEETHOVEN:" Pardon?"

SILAS: "Of course! You're deaf! Look,put this state of the art digital
hearing aid
into your ear."

BEETHOVEN:" Pardon?"

SILAS:"I'll do it....there!"

BEETHOVEN:" Pardon?"

SILAS: "Anyone know how to switch this frigging thing on? O.K. that's
better."

BEETHOVEN: " Bloody hell! I can hear,I can hear!"(jumps around singing 'Ode
to Joy'.)

SILAS:" O.K, O.K.!! That's enough. Time is money. I've been reading about
you.
Apparantly you used to bang your head on the keyboard in order to feel those
good vibrations. You're in luck.That's just the sound we're looking for. See
this
piano, just bash your head on it."

BEETHOVEN: (Uncomprehendingly obliges)

SILAS:" Thanks Ludwig and goodbye.Have a nice day.(Pulls the plug and
Beethoven
vanishes). O.K. guys, send this sound sample over to Emanem's people.Should
be
another chart topper!"

Bogey Boogie
...................
Mozart wrote a piano piece which required the use of the nose.

Derek Bailey Tribute
.............................
It's ironic that the man who once played a suite of guitar solos
entitled 'The only good jazz composer is a dead one' should be
the subject of an extended tribute on the BBC'S 'Jazz on 3'.
So if you haven't heard a serenade between guitar and leaking
roof,or a duet between guitar and amplified bricks or Derek's
take on drum'n'bass (at the age of 70!) what are you waiting for?
BBC Radio 3, Friday 20/1/06 23.30pm - 1.00am.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.190 - Going Ape

Consciousness is an overrated concept.
(Marvin Minsky)

More Monkey Business
...............................
So we went to see K. Kong. The received wisdom was that the first hour was
slow
followed by 2 hours of earth-shattering,ground breaking, totally amazing
cinematic-
history -in-the-making. Actually the first hour wasn't uninteresting
although I suppose
that if your definition of a great movie is one full of exploding
buildings/cars/bodies
then it was slow. And the rest? What is the point of spending billions of $
to
make computer phantasms look real when they are then used in such grossly
unrealistic ways. When Wile E.Coyote gets flattened,chopped into
small pieces,burnt to a cinder and nevertheless survives,it's funny
because,after all,
that's what cartoons do. The dinosaur stampede in Kong had less to do with
good
cinema than showing off 'computer state of the art.' The reality it was
trying to
project should have decimated the entire cast!
However,the 'attack of the insects' was well paced and therefore effectively
realistic,
and for my money was easily the film's best moment.
What can I say about the ending? We all know what's going to happen,don't
we?
So that's pretty boring, isn't it? And the infamous closing line by Jack
Black is spoken
with all the panache of a dead haddock.

Derek Lives
.................

Interviewer: Are you surprised by the reactions of the audience?
Derek: I am surprised that they are there!

Interviewer: What happens to time awareness during improvisation?
Derek: The ticks turn into tocks and the tocks turn into ticks.

Derek: I've always liked the effect of having someone in the group
who hadn't the faintest idea what was going on.

Derek: I mean,this is a high risk business!

Byteing the Dust
.....................
The life of a CD is approximately 100 years.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.189 - Derek Bailey

Sadly I've just heard that derek died of motor- neuron complications
on Christmas Day.

Derek Said
...............
Don't talk about me when I'm gone.

Some of us will. Rest in peace.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.188 - Ends and Odds

Stormy Weather
........................
A storm is blowing from Paradise; the storm irresistably propels him into
the future
to which his back is turned, while the pile of debris before him grows
skyward.
This storm is what we call Progress.
(Walter Benjamin)

Boxing Clever
...................
The practical man, having received many presents and wanting to protect them
from thieves,will put them into a box which he is then careful to secure
with a lock.
However when the thief comes in the night and puts the box onto his back to
carry away,he also prays that the lock will hold.
(slightly adapted from Chuang Tzu)

Goodbye to all that
...........................
It was New Years Eve. Arcy was slumped in front of Natasha Koplinsky.The
tree
in the corner was looking rather tired,having toppled over several times and
the
cards, which had previously been positioned so precisely,were in a state of
disarray.
On the floor by his feet was Harold Pinter's Nobel acceptance speech which
he had
been trying to read for several days. With only a little difficulty he fell
into a troubled
sleep. He dreamed he was in a winter wonderland,which strangely reminded him
of the Library. A wardrobe appeared and out stepped the Ice Queen who gave a
Queen's Speech about more sensible financial restrictions and the judicious
use
of paperclips for the coming year.Suddenly Arcy was whisked away to the
Turner
Prize which he had won with a bent paperclip expressing the symbiosis
between Man and paper. A loud bang woke him up. The fridge door had fallen
off.
Happy New Year!

You Ask the One-Handed Gardener
.................................................

Dear Sir,this Christmas I received the present of a garden. Measuring 2 X 3
inches
it is a minature zen garden with white sand and three black stones,which can
be
endlessly rearranged.Unfortunately no matter how hard I try,I cannot reach
enlightenment and only get sand all over the carpet.What should I do?

Answer: Seagulls in the East and the wind cries Mary.

Derek Says
................
Darn it! Unanswered questions AND flying dragons.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.187 - Yule be Sorry

Dust to dust
..................
A man throws himself into a dustcart,shouting "I'm rubbish."
They pull him out and he throws himself in again, shouting
"I'm rubbish." He had lost the use of metaphor.
(Jean Baudrillard - Fragments)

Going Public
.................
If David Cameron is destined to be our next leader
we had better learn his public school lingo.
Abroad : sick
Chinner : a wide grin
On & Off : lemonade
Charlies : thick gloves made of twine
Wet Bob : a rower
Varmint : good
Coxy : stuck up
Muzz : to read

Cloak and Stagger
........................
Alec Guinness handed in his coat at a hotel cloakroom.
He offered to give his name, but was rather pleased to
be told that it wasn't necessary. The coat was later
handed back with the ticket still attached,carrying the
inscription"bald with glasses."

Starry- eyed
..................
As we have all been knee deep in commercial hype
for several weeks let's hope that there's enough
twinkle left in the star to illuminate at least one special
moment on the 25th. Good luck!

Derek Says
...............
Cheers,notable barbarians.

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)

D.E.A.F. Bulletin No.186 - Santastic

Jingle Bells
...............
Red sky at night,
the reactors alight;
Red sky at morn,
nuclear dawn.

Derek Says
................
Darkness before dawn! Lithium!!

Not a soft touch
........................
Far more commonly the soft,vulnerable charm of male genitals
is evoked as hard,tough and dangerous. It is not flowers that
most commonly symbolise male genitals but swords,knives,fists,guns.
(R.Dyer - Male Sexuality in the Media)

Cribtic
.........
Being that time of year,the tree and crib have again been brought
down from the attic.
The second shepherd is still missing,although he has been seen
recently in Barcelona,at a Derek Bailey gig. Now, however,the first
shepherd is also missing, having accepted the position of line manager
to David Cameron. The baby Jesus,still in pink,is playing 'Blood of the
Damned' on his X-Box whilst Mary is reading her expose in the Sun entitled
"Queen of Heaven slams Maggie and Da Vinci caper".
Also missing this year is the Angel, believed to be negotiating a fee with
Brighton and Hove Albion for performing a miracle enabling them to stay
in the Championship.
The Three Kings are in attendance under the managership of Simon Cowell.
This year they will not be patronising the baby Jesus with gifts,instead
they
have formed a boy-band,the King Singers - could be trouble ahead!
And Joseph? He's hoping for a white Christmas and is looking forward to a
short engagement on Coronation Street in 2006.

More top-tips for your yuletide meal
..................................................
Cut the hassle,use these brands of instant mash.

Powder Potty (USA)
Pol Pot-8-Eau (Kampuchea)
Pomme-POM! (France)

D.E.A.F. P.R.A.T. (www.geocities.com/deafprat)